Money Matters Monday: Pump or Pay?

Is chivalry dead? And if it is, do we care??? Should a man pump and/or pay for gas? Does it matter anymore?

In this day and age, women are becoming more independent in heterosexual relationships and most couples share duties and responsibilities (or at least attempt to do so). Independent women across the world and specifically in America, are now learning to do things on their own that were once considered men's chores.

Take out the trash. Kill the bugs. Wash the cars. Pump the gas. We have asked so much of men in exchange for a few home-cooked meals and a clean house. We have asked them to do all of the dirty, grimy jobs because we were previously considered weak, dainty, and frail. But now words like strong and powerful are being associated with females as well as males. We are finding our strength in many aspects of our lives, but are there still some things that we expect a man to do?

My childhood upbringing tells me that the man in the relationship should always pump AND pay for the gas whenever present. I grew up with pretty conservative, traditional ideals, but the older I get, the more I lean towards a more liberal view on traditional male and female roles. And experiencing life as a single, black female in my twenties is teaching me to do things on my own. Learning to live life without leaning on my parents or a man has lead me to merge my traditional values with my recent feminist beliefs.

As far as pumping goes, I think that it would be nice and respectful for any man (cousin, brother, boyfriend, or dad) to pump gas for a lady, especially in the colder winter months. This tradition originally began because gas pumps were not as user-friendly as they are now. But I think it's still nice.

In terms of who should pay for the gas when dating, it depends. I would like to say that the man pays every time (because I'm a woman), but that's just unfair and unreasonable for any man. If it's my car and I am the one driving it, then I should not expect you to pay just because you happen to be riding in the car with me when I need to fill up. That's a little rude. BUT if you are borrowing my car or we are running earrands for you, you should AT LEAST offer to pay for gas. I don't know if anyone has noticed but gas is expensive nowadays!

According to AAA's Daily Fuel Gauge Report, the national average for gas prices is $3.04 for regular. The national average was $2.86 a month ago and $2.59 just a year ago. Meanwhile, I remember when it was only 99 cents. Gas prices reached $4.11 in 2008! If I'm taking you to work and to your mama's house and everywhere else you need to go, these favors don't come cheap. I also think it's only fair to offer gas money when someone has had to travel a long distance for a date or visit. But that should go for both men and women.

Comments from Fluther.com:

Your girlfriend is driving the car. Who pumps the gas?

In my case, it would be my wife driving the car and it would be me getting out to pump the gas.

A. Because it is the gentlemanly thing to do
B. The gas is going on my debit card anyway and it’s in my wallet
C. Refer to answer ‘A’

I can pump my own gas, thanks. Seriously though, bring me sour patch watermelons and a sour cherry slurpee. One of those metal straws that get super cold is a bonus. =]


If the tank is on the passenger side i will think about it (depending on my money situation) if not then i just sit there and wait, maybe go inside to get her a drink or something.

Here's what you said on Facebook!

SBC: If I am driving and a man is in the car, then he should pump the gas at the station.

Money Matters Monday: When 2 Become 1

While I am not quite ready for marriage... I do like to occassionally get my ducks in a row (or at least think about doing so) in the meantime. For the Money Matters Monday segment I want to focus on money and relationships. When it comes to love and loot, Are you Financially ready to join another person?

When you're single, you can be as frivolous with money as you want. Go out to eat all you want. Buy those fabulous pairs of shoes and the matching handbags. You can loan money to friends and you can basically live month to month, paycheck to paycheck without concern for saving for the future. But if you have any plans for co-habitating, getting married, or having a family in the future you may want to consider some financial planning.

Knowing where you stand in terms of fiscal fitness will help with your relationship because you will be well-equipped to join forces with another person if you plan for that future now. You may be dating someone now or you may be single, but either way when the time comes for you to buy a house, plan a wedding, have kids, and send those kids to college, you want to be financially able to do so. One of my favorite sayings is, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

It would be beneficial to have an emergency fund for a rainy day, a retirement fund, or at least a savings account. Years fly by and before you know it you look up and you are at the stage in your life that you remember only dreaming about. Even if you don't think you want to get married or have kids, wouldn't it be better to just save up for these things just in case they happen?

If, for instance, a couple began saving just $50 each per month six months into the relationship and dated for five and a half years before getting engaged, they would have $6000 saved for a wedding. Personally, I don't think weddings should cost that much, but the average wedding cost is estimated between $14,868 and $24,476 (excluding the cost for engagement rings and a honeymoon)!

And don't forget about kids! About half of Americans choose to have children and about half do not, but if you do decide to have children, that also impacts your finances. Raising a kid from birth to age 18 will cost an estimated $178,590! And that is not including the cost of college.

While getting married and having kids may not sound like financial decisions they are actually all dollars and cents (and love and emotion lol). So take some time to plan ahead! Depending on what stage in your life you are currently, your financial plan and goals will vary, but just make sure you put a plan in action. Don't just stop there, actually follow through!

There are 5 Main Steps in the Financial Planning Process (Kewon, 2007)

1. Evaluate Your Financial Health
2. Define Your Financial Goals
3. Develop a Plan of Action
4. Implement Your Plan
5. Review Your Progress, Reevaluate, and Revise Your Plan

The Unhappy Un-Anniversary

So what do you do when a certain day of the year comes around and you suddenly remember that it used to be significant? You're just walking around all day remembering that date... but that date that was once so special is now just another day. . .

Gotta fix that calendar I have
That's marked July 15th
Because since there's no more you
There's no more anniversary

    - Ne-yo, "So Sick" lyrics

Forgetting the date is better than remembering the date. Remembering the date makes the whole day one big depressing re-run. You end up just walking around aimlessly angry at every happy couple. The key to making it through this day is to try to remember to forget it. But if you can't seem to avoid calendars and other reminders, just live in the depression. It can be purifying to allow yourself to feel these emotions. Call your best friend and tell them what the day is or was and what it means to you and how it makes you feel. Get those thoughts outside of your head and that could be just the cure for your heartache. Sometimes when you're going through a break up you don't really mourn the relationship because you're trying to convince yourself you're okay and "happy" being single. But when the anniversary rolls around you remember that you haven't had a chance to feel your feelings. So take this day and allow yourself to be all in your feelings.

But don't wallow too long! You can't allow the sadness to affect your overall state of mind. He who angers you, controls you. It is very important to move on and not let this one date on the calendar affect your whole day. Don't spend the day wondering what they're doing, what they're thinking and if they're hurting like you are. Instead, try to distract yourself from this day. Do what you normally do or do something new and exciting! Just make sure you have a good day and most of all, RELAX.

Relationships are hard and break-ups are harder and sometimes it can take you longer than you'd expect to get over someone. Someone once said it takes half the length of the relationship to get over your ex. So if you were together for four years it could take two years to fully recover! That seems like a really long time so in the meantime, you just have to be patient with yourself. Be understanding when it gets a little difficult. Just have a strong support system of friends and family who can help you remember that everything happens for a reason.

Top Ten Things Not to do on your Un-Anniversary

1. Take long walks near bridges
2. Watch Romantic Comedies
3. Hang out with friends who are in relationships
4. Drunk dial your ex
5. Drunk text your ex
6. Flip through old pictures from the "good times"
7. Go on a shopping spree that you can't afford
8. Stuff your face with chocolate and ice cream
9. Go on a first date
10. Facebook stalk your ex and/or their new boo

Here's what you said on Facebook!

SIV:   What do you do when your ex-anniversary comes around...? How do you handle it?

JB:     text him and say happy friendaversary :)
AW:   Go out. get trashed. & never look back <3.

Love is for Losers!

Do you ever just get to the point where you are just tired of the whole idea of love?

Well I do! I feel like we go through the ups and downs of these emotional roller coasters of love and sometimes it can really be exhausting. Your heart is a muscle afterall so I believe that all of the stress and strain that we place on it in the process of love can possibly wear it out.

 We go through so much in relationships sometimes and we don't allow ourselves time to heal and repair. Our hearts are much more fragile than we think. I know that just talking with my best friends about their guy problems hurts my heart, so surely it must be that much worse when you're going through it.

Because of all of the ups and downs that relationships (and non-relationships) put you through, it becomes difficult to make it through your day to day with a heavy heart of hurt. I sometimes find myself just angry at those who are in happy relationships because of all of my heart hurt. Sometimes you just get to a point where you're just like "Booooo love!" in the words of one of my dear friends. Lol

It seems like everywhere I turn there's some happy-go-lucky couple with their kissy-face profile pics or some overly excited girlfriend talking about how much she misses her boo when she just saw him earlier that day! And don't even get me started on romantic comedies. Now don't get me wrong, I love me some rom-coms but sometimes when I'm in one of those love-is-for-losers moods, I just want to hurl the remote at the tv screen!

 I have come to the conclusion that I am just going to have to take this time to get to know myself. I don't even have the energy to fall or be in love right now. I'm so focused on me that I cannot even concern myself with another person. So for now, this hopeless romantic will just not be in the mood for sappy "love".

Love is for Losers! Rom Coms to avoid:

• The Notebook
• When Harry Met Sally
• You've Got Mail
• Sleepless in Seattle
• Bridget Jones's Diary
• Notting Hill
• Titanic

The Infamous First Date

Butterflies in the stomach. What to do? What to wear? What to say?
If you're nervous all day long, it must be your first date.

First dates are few and far between nowadays. With things like online dating and speed dating taking over, the traditional "first date" is not something you see too much of. But when you are lucky enough to be asked out on a traditional first date, all of the technology in the world can't save you from those same feelings people have been feeling for centuries. The whole idea of a "first date" with someone is nerve-wrecking because you have this whole concept of what it means to you, but you're not quite sure if the other person is thinking the same thing.

What to Do

Be prepared to pay. Proper dining etiquette says that whoever invites the other person out should pay, but everyone may not know or follow that rule. Always bring enough money to pay for your half of the meal and anything else you might need. Drive or have transportation available. It's quite romantic and chivalrous for a man to drive you on the first date, but you should make sure that you have access to a car or some way to get home if things don't go as well as planned. If you meet at the restaurant and the guy turns out to be a jerk you can text a friend to call in an emergency and suddenly "have to leave". But if you ride with him you'll have to stick it out.

What to Wear

There is always the pressure of dressing to impress. But if you dress up you run the risk of being too overdressed if they're just chillin in jeans and a t-shirt. And the opposite is true if you dress down and end up at a fancy restaurant. What to wear really depends on where you're going, but the key to looking nice is to not dress too sexy. When you try to imitate the magazines it can end up looking more sexy-slutty than sexy-classy. If you're going to a fancy restaurant you can't go wrong with the traditional LBD (little black dress). And if you're going out on a more casual dinner and a movie go for a nice pair of jeans and a nice top.

What to Say

General conversation is good for a first date, but try to move beyond the surface. Have a meaningful conversation. Ask questions about their life, their likes and dislikes and actually listen to the answers. It's okay to talk about yourself, but be sure to balance talking about yourself too much. Be attentive and show that you're interested. The only thing that's off limits on a first date is any talk about the exes. It's just too soon! Share, but don't share too much information. Always leave room for a little mystery for the second date. The most important thing, though, is to just be yourself and have a good time.

First Date Dos & Don'ts

Do...

Make Eye Contact

Give Compliments

Laugh at Their Jokes

Give a Confirmation Call

Don't...

Talk on the Phone

Be Late

Talk too Closely

Be too Aggressive or direct

Are You Really Ready?

So this weekend I went on a Single's Retreat and it really gave me some perspective about life as a single woman. And I had to ask myself... Do You Really Want a Relationship?

Sometimes, when it seems like all of your friends are coupled up, engaged, or married, you find yourself wondering, 'Why can't I have that?' or 'Why can't I find someone?'. But in all actuality, you may not have someone because you may not be ready for a relationship! You have to assess your single self and make sure you are really ready before you ask for a mate or sometimes even a date!

One of the most important things to do before you even worry about being in a relationship is to enjoy your time being single! We spend so much time searching for the next relationship that we forget to appreciate being alone. Once you find the one person you know you want to spend the rest of your life with, well, you have the rest of your life to be with them! But while you are single, it's so important to enjoy being single. You need to enjoy not having to be supportive and always having to be there for someone else. Enjoy being able to pick up and go when you want to. Enjoy your time with your friends. Enjoy living your life unattached to another person.

The second thing to do is somewhat similar to the first, but you have to get to know yourself. You have to know and fully understand what it means to be 1 before you become 2. Too often women go straight from their father's house to their husbands house, from raising their younger siblings to raising their own children without taking time to be on their own. If you never have a chance to live life on your own and make your own rules you will never really know what you like or who you are even. Take this opportunity as a single person to date yourself. Treat yourself to dinner and a movie or something that really makes you happy. Dating yourself will reassure you that you don't need someone else to provide happiness or joy for you. It's nice when someone is in your life and makes you happy, but you have to learn how to be content with yourself.

The most important thing to do before you even think about pairing up with another person is to prepare for your future. We all walk around with these mental checklists of what type of man or woman we want, but do we ever stop to think about their checklist? Are you the type of person someone would want to marry? Tall, dark and handsome. Funny, smart, and kind. Passionate, open-minded and a good cook. Become the type of husband or wife someone would want. Make a list of all of the things you want in a relationship and then make sure you can check off those things for yourself. You should work on gaining some life skills in the meantime too. Learn how to balance your checkbook and manage your finances. Have your own apartment for a while and know what it means to pay rent and utilities. Be able to bring something to the table when the time comes.

Even though it's difficult being single, don't envy those in a relationship because your time will come! So the next time you see your Facebook friend's relationship status change, don't feel bad about yourself, just realize that it is not your time yet. Being in a relationship requires a lot of time and effort and you just may not be ready for everything that means yet. In the meantime, become the best you that you can be and accomplish some of your goals before you become a we.

Ignoring the Red Flags

In every relationship there are always Red Flags.
Red Flags are those little quirks about people that you ignore because you want to make it work. Red Flags are the things that make you say Huh... They are the things that you know deep inside could turn out to be a problem one day, but you only want to see the good.

If in 21% of college dating relationships, one partner is being abused, who is ignoring the Red Flags? What friends are not speaking up? Do you know someone with Red Flags they're ignoring?

According to their website, The Red Flag Campaign is a public awareness campaign designed to address dating violence and promote the prevention of dating violence on college campuses. The campaign was created using a “bystander intervention” strategy, encouraging friends and other campus community members to “say something” when they see warning signs (“red flags”) for dating violence in a friend’s relationship. The campaign posters reflect racially and ethnically diverse models, and illustrate both heterosexual and same-sex relationships.

In Lifetime's new movie Reviving Ophelia, Lizzie's parents, cousin, and friends ignored all of the Red Flags while her abusive boyfriend Mark repeatedly hit her. The controlling behavior began very early in the relationship, starting with Mark telling Lizzie what to wear. But Lizzie just said it was because he loved her so much and thought it was cute that he was so jealous.

Even after Lizzie's parents find out the truth about the abuse, she continues to blame herself and defend Mark, the boy who assaulted her. Lizzie refuses to press charges and continues to see him behind her parents' back. "Just because a girl says it's over, doesn't mean it's over" - Lizzie's therapist



It took a death threat via text message to finally get Lizzie to wake up and press charges. And that only made Mark more upset. He finally came to school with a gun and threatened to kill Lizzie and his self. Lizzie found the courage to talk Mark into putting the gun down. But that story could have had a different ending. Don't let it get that far when you see Red Flags in your relationship or in the relationship of others.

Can You Spot a Red Flag?
1. Emotional Abuse
2. Coercion
3. Excessive Jealousy
4. Isolation
5. Sexual Assault
6. Victim Blaming
7. Stalking

When you see a RED FLAG Say Something!


Hotlines
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-SAFE
The Virginia Family Violence & Sexual Assault Hotline - 1-800-838-8238
breakthecycle.org

Domestic Violence - It goes both ways.

Close your eyes and think of a domestic dispute. What does the image look like?
If you're anything like me, this image is one of a battered wife or girlfriend who has been physically, mentally, or verbally abused by her husband or boyfriend.

But that is not always the case. Sometimes women are the ones who lash out at their significant other. This is the case in this recent episode of Teen Mom.

Amber is one of four teenage mothers featured on MTV's Teen Mom. And this is what their website has to say about her. "Amber is a self-proclaimed teenage party girl who dropped out of high school and grew up fast when she got pregnant with her baby, Leah. While her fiancé, Gary, works 12-hour days to support the family, Amber stays at home alone with Leah all day, and the stress of being a full-time mom is starting to add up. Amber's parents aren't able to help, and they can't afford childcare, so she does it alone. Amber doesn't have time or energy to see her friends, and when she tries to go out, Leah cries all the time. Gary doesn't understand, and they fight constantly about taking care of the baby. Amber wants to finish high school and realize her dreams of opening her own beauty salon -- but juggling high school, adult responsibilities, and a baby proves to be a lot harder than she thought."

So basically, Amber is getting frustrated with the stresses of being a teen mother and is taking it all out on the father, Gary. Gary loves Amber unconditionally, but she is just not ready to settle down with him. Amber is fighting the internal battle that most teen mothers face - the struggle between living the young single life and staying home to take care of your child.

Whatever Amber is going through, there is no excuse for the way she has treated Gary. She yells and screams at him and pushes all of his buttons. She constantly calls him fat, even thought she just recently lost a lot of weight. And to make matters worse, she physically hits the man! I never realized how abusive women can be until I saw the way she pushed him for a reaction. Watching this episode made me realize how sometimes women can go too far. I feel like sometimes women just do it because men can't (or aren't supposed to) hit back. Just because women are typically smaller in stature does not mean they can use men as their punching bags. Men are taught never to hit a girl when they are little, but who tells little girls not to hit boys? Noone.

No matter how frustrated or upset you get there is never a reason to hit someone. Men shouldn't hit women and women shouldn't hit men. There is no double standard there. It is not ok for women to hit men.

Warning Signs of an Abuser
1. Criticism of your good qualities
2. Mood swings
3. Irresponsibility
4. Attempts to control your whereabouts
5. Highly reactive
6. Disrespect toward you publicly and privately
7. Persistent Lying


"You are not alone. You are not to blame. You do not deserve to be abused."
- Unknown

Here's What You Said on Facebook!
SIV: Is it ok for women to hit their boyfriends/husbands? Under what circumstances?
JB: NO! not under any circumstances except for self-defense!

Don't Hate the Player...

In the world of romance there are two types of people - those who can only manage one love interest at a time, and those who can juggle many romantic interests at one time until they figure out exactly what they want. Me, I'm no juggler.

And while I've tried to casually see or talk to a couple of individuals at a time, it's never really worked out well. For starters I'm just too busy to focus on more than one person at a time. Plus, I'm more of a one-man-woman at heart even though I like to flirt a lot. I have a few friends, however, who keep men in rotation! It's all harmless and perfectly fair since they're not committed to anyone. When you're single you're allowed to date around! But you've got to be smart about it.

One of my friends says she's just got multiple "cookies" in the cookie jar. My other friend says she's just "networking". And I have another friend who always has what she calls a "back-up plan". When one guy messes up she's got another one on standby! It's so interesting to hear them tell stories because half way through I'm always like, wait, who are we talking about? It's actually pretty convenient, though when you think about it. You've always got someone to text or call when you're bored. You can have a lunch date and have a good time without worrying about the obligations of a relationship. A lot comes with the titles "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" so it's nice to just be able to have multiple love interests.

When I asked a few of my friends about this topic, the consensus was that it is okay to "talk to" multiple people at one time as long as the people involved know what your intentions are. Most people said as long as there's no commitment and you're not deliberately trying to deceive people it's okay. One person called it "not putting all your eggs in our basket". But I think the key thing to remember here is you've gotta talk to them, be open. If you think you're just casually "talking to" someone but they really have feelings for you, the fact that you're talking to other people at the same time could really hurt them.

I do believe that dating is like interviewing for marriage and provides you for opportunities to know what you like, BUT you have got to be careful. Sometimes dating around can get you caught up with too many pots on the stove, beware of a potential fire! But it is something that comes with age. The more you date, the more you discover who you are and what exactly it is you are looking for in a mate. It's okay to use college as the time to try on different types of people, but just be careful not to break too many hearts along the way.

Here's What you said on Twitter!

When is it okay to date multiple people?
kristinnsmith @sexintheville When you're not exclusive and when all people involved are aware of your decision to date multiples

Going out with the Girls!

There are times in life when it pays to be in a relationship and there are times when it pays to be single! When you get invited to a wedding it would be nice to have a date. When you get invited to a date party it would be nice to have a date. When you are sitting at Applebee’s and the waitress is selling that 2 for $20 meal … it would be nice to have a date. But when you’re going out on the town with your best girlfriends (or guy friends for the fellas) that is when it really pays to be single.

When you think about it, going out is your chance to hang out with your girlfriends and just have a good time, whether you're in a relationship or not. If you want to boo-love, then you probably should just stay home. No one wants a party pooper, thinking about, talking about, (or worse) calling their significant other while everyone else is trying to have a good time.

When you're in a committed relationship you have an obligation to that other person to let them know where you are, where you're going, when you're gonnna get there, and what time you'll be back. But when you're single... you have so much freedom! You can leave when you want and get back when you want and not have to worry about remembering to text so-and-so on the way. If you're out with your friends and you all suddenly decide to go to Waffle House (or Huddle House in the 'Ville) it's okay! It's hard to have friends when you're in a relationship. By the time you finish doing your homework, attending meetings, working out, and having some couple time with your boo, there's no time for friends! You may see your friends at work or in class, but other than that, you just don't have time to kick it anymore when you're in a relationship.

Another good aspect of being single when you're going out is the fact that you can get as many numbers as you want GUILT FREE! Theoretically you could give and get numbers when you're in a relationship, but then you have to go through the extra effort of hiding it. And that's no fun. That's just extra unnecessary work. When you're single you can talk to people and actually enjoy meeting new people. And you can dance! You don't have to just hold up the wall all night, but you can dance. It's perfectly fine and you don't have to worry about being tagged in pictures later and it getting back to your significant other.

The most important thing to remember, whether you're in a relationship, single, or somewhere in between is to have fun. We're young and life is so not that serious at this point in our lives. Your twenties are for living life to the fullest and enjoying every moment. So from getting ready with the girls in the mirror to talking about how many numbers you got on the way home, just live and let live.

Top 10 Reasons Being Single Sucks
1. You're single
2. There's no one to cuddle with
3. After a while you just run out of people to text
4. You don't have anyone to split the 2 for $20 at Applebee's with
5. Your friends feel sorry for you when you're the 3rd Wheel
6. You eventually get tired of dancing to Beyonce's "Single Ladies"
7. Going to weddings alone... #epicfail
8. You miss the frequent hugs and kisses
9. When you have a terrible day you have no one to complain to (who really cares)
10. You're single

Here's What You Said on Twitter:
Is it better to go to a party solo or with a date??
Plug_McEnroe @sexintheville "Solo who takes sand to the beach!"

The Sex in "Sex in the Ville"

I recently had someone tweet me about how my twitter name (sexintheville) is misleading. And well they're right! I have struggled internally with the name of this blog/column since its inception. But after it came to me I just couldn't turn away from it. At first glance it looks like it's about the physical act of having sex. But this blog actually has less to do with that than I actually realized. My poor dad, when he saw it on my Visual CV (virtual resume) was like "What is this sexmeup.com stuff???!!" But I tried to explain to him that it was sex the noun, not the verb.

The title came from my love of the sitcom Sex and the City and my attempt to apply it to Farmville, the town I was in when I created it. I was already talking to my friends about relationships all the time anyway - giving them advice or just a listening ear and as a journalist by nature, like Carrie, I express my thoughts through my writing. So I decided to start a column to give relationship advice on problems my friends were experiencing or to just explore relationship issues that came up in my own life.

Once I had started the column/blog I began to see everything around me with the angle of how I could write about it. It grew from friends' problems to things on t.v. to classroom discussion sparking my interests. I enjoy unpacking the issues that we face daily in our quest for "Mr. Big". So as far as I know, this blog will continue to be focused on relationships and not so much sex despite its title.

And though I've done a couple of pieces on cheating and when you should "take it to the next level" I don't really discuss sex in this blog. It's more like Seventeen magazine than Cosmopolitan! And like my fellow tweeter said, that may be misleading, but I prefer to look at it as an attention-getter. It stands out and I like it!

What do you think? Should I change the name or do you like it as is??

Roommate Rules

I recently moved into an apartment with two of my closest friends. I was so excited! My first apartment - the official transition from the twin bed to the full. A kitchen. A washer and dryer. A full size fridge. These were all things I had missed while living on campus (though I enjoyed my time there) and had saved to thoroughly enjoy in my senior year. What I didn't expect, however, was how living in an apartment would change my relationship with my roomies. But I quickly learned that living with roommates can truly prepare you for living with a future mate.

Like I said, these are not random roommates, these are close friends, so this is not a blog to bash them, nor am I saying they are terrible roommates. I am simply expressing the fact that in every relationship there must be communication, cooperation, and consideration. These three Cs will ease almost any living situation!

Communication is key to express your thoughts. I suck at expressing myself to those I love. I am a Communication Studies major and have little to no problem expressing myself in many aspects of my life. But for some strange reason I avoid communicating with the people closest to me at all costs. I am terrified of hurting their feelings or damaging the relationship so I usually tend to keep my feelings to myself. But it is important to speak up! (I'm learning and trying) If you feel a certain way, but don't tell your roommate, they will never know! So you may be upset that they left the dishes in the sink, but if you never tell them they'll have no idea.

Cooperation is also imperative to have a successful roommie relationship. For instance, I got so upset that the trash was just piling up, but one day I just asked myself, "What's more important - being upset that no one took the trash out or having no piles of trash in the house?" And as it turns out, taking the trash out myself made me feel much better than waiting around on someone else to do it. So sometimes you just have to work together and realize that the other person is not trying to do the little things that annoy you on purpose, they may have just had a busy day. Just be grateful that leaving the toilet seat up is not an issue (yet)!

Consideration is the last of the 3 Cs and probably the most important. Keep in mind that you are probably doing things to annoy them too. Wouldn't you want them to be considerate of your feelings and respectful of your needs. Most people in college nowadays grew up with a room to their selves and are not used to sharing space with people who do things completely different. We all grew up in different households and have been taught to do things differently. You have to learn to be considerate of each other and work things out.

Living with a roommate is the closest thing to being married as you're gonna get (without getting married). Think of it as your dress rehearsal and treat your roommates as you would want to be treated. The most important thing to remember is Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (and it's all small stuff!). That's not only the title of an excellent book, but it is also very true and very applicable. So the next time your roomie (or hubby) leaves a load in the dryer for three days, ask yourself, "In the grand scheme of things, does it matter??" NO!

PS - I love my Girlfriends

Back to School... Back to Boys!

So it's that time of year again... time to hit the books and focus. While some of you may choose to focus on your studies, others will focus on finding a new boo.

Whether you're starting kindergarten or going for your Master's, there's just something about the school year that sparks the desire to start everything in your life fresh and new. You buy new clothes, get a new hair cut, and sometimes a new bf/gf. But before you get back I have a few tips for you (and reminders for me ;) ).

1. Unless you're a freshman, don't hunt out the freshies!
I know it is very tempting to us all when you see new people (prey) on campus, but try to refrain. Sophomore year it's not so bad, junior year it's a little risky, but for those of us who will be seniors in the fall... STOP! It's not cool to be a cougar in college. When you've been there and done that, it's kind of hard to go through those growing pains with someone else. You need someone who is on your level and is going in the same direction as you.

2. Don't let dating distract you (too much) from your school work
It's important to have fun in college, but you should also keep in mind why you're there in the first place. Relationships in school can consume your spare time and replace the much-needed libarary time. I hate to sound parental, but you gotta take a step back and remember to stay focused. If you still want to have a little companionship maybe you try a study date or meet up for things like lunch or gym time that are already in your schedule.

3. Don't go for the same guys as your friends, it won't end well
When school begins it's hot and everything's beautiful, and you line up with your friends and pick out who gets who. But just make sure you don't all go for the same person. You may jokingly agree that "(S)he's fine" but when somebody gets serious things could get ugly.

Summer Vacay Update

At the beginning of the summer I did a post on Summer Vacations and I had every intention of going on one myself, but that didn't quite happen... but I wanted to do an update on the couple's trip since the summer's almost over and the beach trips are coming to a close.

Going on a couples trip can either go really wrong or really well. It will either bring you closer or farther apart. So it is very important to make sure it is something you are both ready for - financially and emotionally. Before you go on the trip you should be able to answer Yes to these three questions: 1) Can you spend more than 24 hours with this person? 2) Can you afford this trip? 3) Do you love this person? If the answer to these three questions is yes than you are probably in for a good trip. But if the answer to just one of these questions is no, then you're probably headed for a disaster.

If the roadtrip was not a disaster you have that as a milestone in your relationship to always remember. It is a huge roadblock that you've accomplished with ease, so pat yourselves on the back. You can now pass Go and collect $200. Feel free to post a Facebook album full of pictures for everyone to stalk you on and be jealous! But once you've taken care of that don't forget to send a love note. It's important to show your appreciation for a successful, stress-free getaway with your significant other. You've probably both been working hard all summer and really needed that time away together. So don't take for granted the fact that the trip went well or even happened at all. Via Facebook, e-mail, or snail mail tell your loved one that you enjoyed the time you spent, that the trip was lovely and well-planned, and that you can't wait to do it again. (only say this if you mean it) He or she will really appreciate the acknowledgement and will probably start planning the next trip right away.

If the roadtrip was a disaster. There is no need to run for the phonebook and seek couple's therapy and you don't necessarily have to break up right away. I do know one couple in particular who almost broke off their engagement because of roadtrip rage, but they are now still engaged and happy and have just realized how to better travel together. You have to completely assess the situation and decide if the issues that came up on the trip are major or minor. If the issues you had are major then you should probably talk about whether or not you should be together. But if the issues you had are minor then you need to talk about how to fix them and have a better trip next time. The key is to talk. Don't just ignore the problems and act like everything went well. It is, however, okay to tell your friends everything went well. They're just being nosey and there's no need to bring roadtrip drama home.


Below are a few Road Trip Tips for Couples who may venture out in the future.
1. Plan your trip together
2. Don't turn a roadtrip into a chore
3. While you're on the road, lavish your partner with extra consideration and kindness
4. Assign responsibilities, and then resist the temptation to interfere with how tasks are accomplished
5. Think carefully about the driving, as this is the biggest single task on a road trip
6. Don't let the grouchies get the upper hand
7. Keep a journal, and if you take pictures, take the time to organize them into an easy-to-enjoy format (i.e. Shutterfly's Photo Books)
8. Remember that the journey's the thing

Aren't ya glad you didn't marry HIM!!!

Can you imagine what it would be like if you had married all of your exes? Or even worse, if you'd had kids with them? I think I have pretty good taste and pretty high standards, but when I look at where some of my exes are now ... boy am I grateful they're exes!

At the time, break-ups seem like the worst possible scenario ever. You still love, or at least care about the person and can't imagine them being a part of your past instead of your future. But hindsight is 20/20! When you bump into your exes at the grocery store or in the mall and you see what they look like now! Whew! Dodged a bullet!

I have three exes in particular that just make me shake my head and wonder where they went wrong. I would just like to say that they were good, upstanding young men when I was with them.

1. I recently discovered that one of my exes has transformed into a wanna-be Thug. He had his shirt tucked in when he was with me! I actually met him at a Young Writer's summer program at the community college. And I had to break up with him because he was so much of a momma's boy! She wouldn't hardly let him do anything and I just couldn't handle that. But look at him now. One of my best friends sent me his Facebook pics and it is a shame! I almost started crying looking at how much he has changed for the worse. I'm not going to say his name, but let me say that it is not at all hood or thug or "goon status". Gold chains, gold teeth, and all tatted up! Thank goodness I broke up with him when I did!

2. One of my exes is rumored to be a homosexual (Gay). He never told me that he was/is, so I always say "allegedly" or "supposedly" until it's confirmed firsthand. But I must admit that he was very emotional and open and available and I just thought he was sensitive because he was raised by his mother and grandmother, but... who knows. He did get his hair cut every week, whiten his teeth, and take longer to get ready then me, but... who knows. He was a great boyfriend though, knew me inside/out. But I broke up with him because I wanted to start dating someone else, so I guess I'll never know...

3. One of my other exes is now somebody's Baby daddy. :( I'm not trying to judge or say I wouldn't date someone with a kid, but I'm just sayin you can't afford me if you're buyin Huggies!!! I am pretty high-maintenance and I'm not afraid to say it. I have been spoiled by my parents, my sister, and my last boyfriend and I cannot go down from that. There's no turning back. I just don't see how you can afford to take me out when you've got to dish out the child support! Maybe when I get older more men my age will have babies, but for now I can date single men without children. He did try to talk to me again when I saw him at a party, and I was reminded of how sweet and cute he was, but I just kept thinking Huggies, Huggies...

Celebreality

Kim Kardashian is the #1 fantasy of men across the country and perhaps even the world. And she's also a fantasy for many women. Men fantasize about being with her while women fantasize about being her.

Love her or hate her you cannot hate on her body. She's in shape, but still has the curves. She has fortune and fame and it seems like she couldn't want for more. I was watching the Kourtney & Khloe show today and I just realized that celebrities have so many insecurities and face some of the same issues that we do. It was a really crazy moment because we go to the gym (or do the Kim Kardashian workout DVDs) and spend hours on end trying to get the bodies in the magazines, but the very people who have those bodies (some with the help of airbrushing) still don't have it all!

Kim confided (on national tv) in a friend that she didn't feel like she would meet anyone after Reggie (Bush). And I thought Wow if Kim Kardashian doesn't think she can find anyone than there must be no hope for the rest of us! But clearly she's a person. A human being. Not the mega superstar who poses for all of the magazines. She is a real person who faces the same issues we all do - finding someone to settle down with and live happily ever after with (just like in the fairytales). On the show she spoke about how she had hoped to be married, have one kid and another on the way by the time she was 30. Kim, who will turn 30 in October, is nowhere near the soccer mom track, but who knows what the future holds. For her, or for those of us who envy her.


Celebrity Soccer Mom's who (seem to) have it all:
1. Jennifer Garner
2. Reese Witherspoon
3. Kendra Wilkinson
4. Kimora Lee Simmons
5. Jada Pinkett-Smith
6. Christina Aguilera
7. Nicole Ritchie
8. Jessica Alba
9. Jennifer Lopez
10. Katie Holmes

Career Crossroads

Flight Attendant, Lawyer, Photographer, Journalist. Though I've had several dreams and aspirations of what to be when I "grow up", I pretty much had it settled that I would become a reporter by eighth grade. Most men, however, are still figuring it out... Why?!

Why is it that men always seem to be wandering through life aimlessly or chasing some pipe dream? Meanwhile, women are so focused on chasing their careers that they have absolutely no time to chase (or be chased by) a man.

I'm not sure if it began with Rosie the Riveter or if it started when mass amounts of women went to work in the 80s, but somewhere along the way women took over the corporate world. It seems to me that women are just much more focused on their careers than men, starting as early as high school. Women are more focused and concerned about applying to colleges, taking all the AP classes, and getting a high GPA to get into the best schools possible. Men wait until the last possible minute to apply to colleges, are less likely to take AP or Dual Enrollment courses, and tend not to put forth the extra effort in class and just do enough to get by.

Then once we get to college, the proof is in the pudding. The proportion of men to women at universities and colleges today is unbelievable. "There are more men than women ages 18-24 in the USA — 15 million vs. 14.2 million, according to a Census Bureau estimate last year. But nationally, the male/female ratio on campus today is 43/57, a reversal from the late 1960s and well beyond the nearly even splits of the mid-1970s." (USA Today) At my school the statistics are worse than the national average, at only 31% male.

This recent trend presents us with several problems in our love lives. For starters, if men are flaky and women are focused in their career worlds than they will be the same way in their relationships. Men will treat the relationship as something casual and less concrete until they have narrowed in on a career path. They cannot fully commit to you until they no what their purpose in life is and how they can adequately provide for you. It's in their nature. We are not historically, the head of the household, so we tend to be less concerned with the weight that comes with trying to provide for a family.

Another issue with this is the fact that it forces women to choose between their romance and their careers. It's difficult for women to find love when they are surrounded by men who are going nowhere fast. We need partners who will uplift us, encourage us, inspire us. But instead we end up motivating them into a career. Eventually either he leaves because he feels inferior or she leaves in search of someone on her level. It's a lose-lose situation either way.

This is a never-ending issue that we all face at one point or another, but all we can do is be patient. Keep chasing your dream and your dream guy will appear at the right time. But whatever you do, never settle for less than your best.

Communication ... or lack thereof

I finally got my world back! I have been without internet access for about 48 hours and it has literally driven me up a wall. I'm going crazy without the ability to check my e-mail, facebook, twitter, blog, etc. I do everything online from online banking to online shopping. From random Google searches to well homework (sometime after the blogging). But thanks to the beauty of Free Wi-Fi (@ Starbucks) the little icon with the two computers is now accompanied with my little world.

It's crazy how addicted we've become to all of this technology that has entered our worlds. From the laptop to the cell phone (and all of the other new toys) we have so many things to have relationships with that we can sometimes become distracted from our real relationships.

I was watching Kourtney & Khloe the other day and Kourtney was so annoyed with Kim's Blackberry addiction that she hid both her Blackberry and her laptop from her in search of some sisterly bonding. Kim eventually found both hidden in the car, but it made me think about how crazy that is that technology has such a big hold on us today. We can't live without our cell phones on our hips and some form of internet access nearby.

It has become so quick and easy to look up directions online, find answers to questions via Google, or just have 24 hour access to some type of social media. We are addicted to all of these things that are supposed to bring us closer together, but in fact only make us farther apart. It's amazing how you can be sitting right across the table from someone having a conversation and they hear nothing you said. We have got to fix this disconnect.

Though I'm not as bad as most (because I do not yet have the BB or iPhone) I too am addicted to technology and its availability. But I recommend that we take time to remember that we didn't always have all of this. What did we ever do before technology??

We read books. Real books, not virtual ones downloaded. We had conversations. Real conversations, not digital chats. We spent time. Real time, not coexisting but ignoring each other. We lived. And I suggest we take a few moments everyday and remember to live again. I suggest we let go of the things that have become so much a part of our everyday lives and go live agian.

Here's what you said on Twitter:
What's your favorite way to communicate?
asaarpopn8267 @sexintheville: face 2 face is always the best way 2 communicate...
mrfantastic06 @sexintheville: Texting.
nmd195 @sexintheville: @lureport and i went old school this summer with snail mail. it helped strengthn us while we were 200 miles apart

Why I Need A Man

I must say that I am an independent woman. I can buy my own, take care of my own, and make it in a lot of things on my own. But when it comes to certain things in life ... the fact of the matter is I still need a man.

To make a long story short, my car just decided to act up and I of course I had no idea what to do. I called my first line of defense immediately - my mom, my dad, and my sister. But they were no help at all. At the end of the day I just had to make a decision on my own.

But I really needed a man to make a good mechanical decision because when it comes to cars I am completely clueless. I call my dad for help, but with him being so far away it would really help to have someone closer who could give me advice. I am pretty good about staying calm in stressful situations like this, but my biggest concern is that I will make the wrong choice as the mechanics spit out all of this information with their technical auto jargon of things that "have to be done". Are they just trying to get over on me because I'm a woman? Are they really looking out for my best interest?

I guess I'll never really know. And I'll never really know or understand why there are certain things in life that women still need men for, but in the meantime I will just try to utilize Google! I will make every effort to research and learn more about cars to educate myself so I won't end up in this situation again. As nice as it is to be dependent on men to do the masculine things, I must move beyond the stereotype and teach myself how to help myself. I am going to stay on top of my regular maintinance and services, get an auto emergency kit, and start saving to have emergency funds. I will be prepared for those times when there's just not a man around!


What I Need A Man For
1. Procreation
2. Companionship
3. Kill A Spider
4. Open Jars
5. Not-so-honest opinion
6. Meaningless Facts
7. Comfy Sleep Clothes
8. Lawn Work
9. Take out the Trash
10. Car Repair

Dinner for One

Is it okay to eat alone?

So I went to a Mexican restaurant (because I love Mexican food) and grabbed lunch on my break. The woman basically kicked me out, didn't even ask if I wanted my food "for here or to go". She just bagged it up and assumed I couldn't possibly be dining in since I was by myself. And of course my first thought was How Rude!

Sometimes when I'm working I like to dine in on my lunch break just to get a new environment for one hour out of the day. But for some reason being alone is a "to-go only" zone. It made me mad, but I just took my bagged almuerza (lunch) and headed back to the break room.

The truth of the matter is she was actually making a reasonable assumption because most people don't like eating out alone. I've even been known to whip the cell phone to call people just so I didn't have to sit there awkwardly eating by myself. And you don't necessarily care so much that you are alone. It's moreso the fact that everyone else is feeling sorry for you being alone that bothers you most.

It is going to be very difficult, but you have to take pride in eating alone ... build your self esteem. The importance of eating alone is about developing a relationship with yourself. Date yourself. You have to, at some point, be okay with being alone. Even though eating is traditionally a social event - meeting friends, holidays with family, or even romantic dates - we must find the confidence to just be at the table and wine and dine ourselves. The big piece that will be missing from dining alone as opposed to joining friends or family is the conversation. We all use the time while our food is being prepared to catch up and talk about our days, but one blogger suggest you bring a book or newspaper to occupy your time. Catch up on the news or delve into a good novel! So Bon Apetit!

Where to go when you date yourself
1. To the Movies
2. To get a Mani/Pedi
3. To walk at the park
4. To get a Massage
5. To work out at the gym
6. To the bookstore to read
7. And of course out to eat!

Here's What You Said on Twitter:
DynamicDelight RT @sexintheville: Can you eat out by yourself?<-Yea, but you look like a creeper/ loser
DIRTY479 @sexintheville: No way cuzo!! lol
kristinnsmith @sexintheville: Definitely, as long as the restaurant isn't busy, otherwise I'd feel awkward