Are You Really Ready?

So this weekend I went on a Single's Retreat and it really gave me some perspective about life as a single woman. And I had to ask myself... Do You Really Want a Relationship?

Sometimes, when it seems like all of your friends are coupled up, engaged, or married, you find yourself wondering, 'Why can't I have that?' or 'Why can't I find someone?'. But in all actuality, you may not have someone because you may not be ready for a relationship! You have to assess your single self and make sure you are really ready before you ask for a mate or sometimes even a date!

One of the most important things to do before you even worry about being in a relationship is to enjoy your time being single! We spend so much time searching for the next relationship that we forget to appreciate being alone. Once you find the one person you know you want to spend the rest of your life with, well, you have the rest of your life to be with them! But while you are single, it's so important to enjoy being single. You need to enjoy not having to be supportive and always having to be there for someone else. Enjoy being able to pick up and go when you want to. Enjoy your time with your friends. Enjoy living your life unattached to another person.

The second thing to do is somewhat similar to the first, but you have to get to know yourself. You have to know and fully understand what it means to be 1 before you become 2. Too often women go straight from their father's house to their husbands house, from raising their younger siblings to raising their own children without taking time to be on their own. If you never have a chance to live life on your own and make your own rules you will never really know what you like or who you are even. Take this opportunity as a single person to date yourself. Treat yourself to dinner and a movie or something that really makes you happy. Dating yourself will reassure you that you don't need someone else to provide happiness or joy for you. It's nice when someone is in your life and makes you happy, but you have to learn how to be content with yourself.

The most important thing to do before you even think about pairing up with another person is to prepare for your future. We all walk around with these mental checklists of what type of man or woman we want, but do we ever stop to think about their checklist? Are you the type of person someone would want to marry? Tall, dark and handsome. Funny, smart, and kind. Passionate, open-minded and a good cook. Become the type of husband or wife someone would want. Make a list of all of the things you want in a relationship and then make sure you can check off those things for yourself. You should work on gaining some life skills in the meantime too. Learn how to balance your checkbook and manage your finances. Have your own apartment for a while and know what it means to pay rent and utilities. Be able to bring something to the table when the time comes.

Even though it's difficult being single, don't envy those in a relationship because your time will come! So the next time you see your Facebook friend's relationship status change, don't feel bad about yourself, just realize that it is not your time yet. Being in a relationship requires a lot of time and effort and you just may not be ready for everything that means yet. In the meantime, become the best you that you can be and accomplish some of your goals before you become a we.

Ignoring the Red Flags

In every relationship there are always Red Flags.
Red Flags are those little quirks about people that you ignore because you want to make it work. Red Flags are the things that make you say Huh... They are the things that you know deep inside could turn out to be a problem one day, but you only want to see the good.

If in 21% of college dating relationships, one partner is being abused, who is ignoring the Red Flags? What friends are not speaking up? Do you know someone with Red Flags they're ignoring?

According to their website, The Red Flag Campaign is a public awareness campaign designed to address dating violence and promote the prevention of dating violence on college campuses. The campaign was created using a “bystander intervention” strategy, encouraging friends and other campus community members to “say something” when they see warning signs (“red flags”) for dating violence in a friend’s relationship. The campaign posters reflect racially and ethnically diverse models, and illustrate both heterosexual and same-sex relationships.

In Lifetime's new movie Reviving Ophelia, Lizzie's parents, cousin, and friends ignored all of the Red Flags while her abusive boyfriend Mark repeatedly hit her. The controlling behavior began very early in the relationship, starting with Mark telling Lizzie what to wear. But Lizzie just said it was because he loved her so much and thought it was cute that he was so jealous.

Even after Lizzie's parents find out the truth about the abuse, she continues to blame herself and defend Mark, the boy who assaulted her. Lizzie refuses to press charges and continues to see him behind her parents' back. "Just because a girl says it's over, doesn't mean it's over" - Lizzie's therapist



It took a death threat via text message to finally get Lizzie to wake up and press charges. And that only made Mark more upset. He finally came to school with a gun and threatened to kill Lizzie and his self. Lizzie found the courage to talk Mark into putting the gun down. But that story could have had a different ending. Don't let it get that far when you see Red Flags in your relationship or in the relationship of others.

Can You Spot a Red Flag?
1. Emotional Abuse
2. Coercion
3. Excessive Jealousy
4. Isolation
5. Sexual Assault
6. Victim Blaming
7. Stalking

When you see a RED FLAG Say Something!


Hotlines
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-SAFE
The Virginia Family Violence & Sexual Assault Hotline - 1-800-838-8238
breakthecycle.org

Domestic Violence - It goes both ways.

Close your eyes and think of a domestic dispute. What does the image look like?
If you're anything like me, this image is one of a battered wife or girlfriend who has been physically, mentally, or verbally abused by her husband or boyfriend.

But that is not always the case. Sometimes women are the ones who lash out at their significant other. This is the case in this recent episode of Teen Mom.

Amber is one of four teenage mothers featured on MTV's Teen Mom. And this is what their website has to say about her. "Amber is a self-proclaimed teenage party girl who dropped out of high school and grew up fast when she got pregnant with her baby, Leah. While her fiancé, Gary, works 12-hour days to support the family, Amber stays at home alone with Leah all day, and the stress of being a full-time mom is starting to add up. Amber's parents aren't able to help, and they can't afford childcare, so she does it alone. Amber doesn't have time or energy to see her friends, and when she tries to go out, Leah cries all the time. Gary doesn't understand, and they fight constantly about taking care of the baby. Amber wants to finish high school and realize her dreams of opening her own beauty salon -- but juggling high school, adult responsibilities, and a baby proves to be a lot harder than she thought."

So basically, Amber is getting frustrated with the stresses of being a teen mother and is taking it all out on the father, Gary. Gary loves Amber unconditionally, but she is just not ready to settle down with him. Amber is fighting the internal battle that most teen mothers face - the struggle between living the young single life and staying home to take care of your child.

Whatever Amber is going through, there is no excuse for the way she has treated Gary. She yells and screams at him and pushes all of his buttons. She constantly calls him fat, even thought she just recently lost a lot of weight. And to make matters worse, she physically hits the man! I never realized how abusive women can be until I saw the way she pushed him for a reaction. Watching this episode made me realize how sometimes women can go too far. I feel like sometimes women just do it because men can't (or aren't supposed to) hit back. Just because women are typically smaller in stature does not mean they can use men as their punching bags. Men are taught never to hit a girl when they are little, but who tells little girls not to hit boys? Noone.

No matter how frustrated or upset you get there is never a reason to hit someone. Men shouldn't hit women and women shouldn't hit men. There is no double standard there. It is not ok for women to hit men.

Warning Signs of an Abuser
1. Criticism of your good qualities
2. Mood swings
3. Irresponsibility
4. Attempts to control your whereabouts
5. Highly reactive
6. Disrespect toward you publicly and privately
7. Persistent Lying


"You are not alone. You are not to blame. You do not deserve to be abused."
- Unknown

Here's What You Said on Facebook!
SIV: Is it ok for women to hit their boyfriends/husbands? Under what circumstances?
JB: NO! not under any circumstances except for self-defense!