The Infamous First Date

Butterflies in the stomach. What to do? What to wear? What to say?
If you're nervous all day long, it must be your first date.

First dates are few and far between nowadays. With things like online dating and speed dating taking over, the traditional "first date" is not something you see too much of. But when you are lucky enough to be asked out on a traditional first date, all of the technology in the world can't save you from those same feelings people have been feeling for centuries. The whole idea of a "first date" with someone is nerve-wrecking because you have this whole concept of what it means to you, but you're not quite sure if the other person is thinking the same thing.

What to Do

Be prepared to pay. Proper dining etiquette says that whoever invites the other person out should pay, but everyone may not know or follow that rule. Always bring enough money to pay for your half of the meal and anything else you might need. Drive or have transportation available. It's quite romantic and chivalrous for a man to drive you on the first date, but you should make sure that you have access to a car or some way to get home if things don't go as well as planned. If you meet at the restaurant and the guy turns out to be a jerk you can text a friend to call in an emergency and suddenly "have to leave". But if you ride with him you'll have to stick it out.

What to Wear

There is always the pressure of dressing to impress. But if you dress up you run the risk of being too overdressed if they're just chillin in jeans and a t-shirt. And the opposite is true if you dress down and end up at a fancy restaurant. What to wear really depends on where you're going, but the key to looking nice is to not dress too sexy. When you try to imitate the magazines it can end up looking more sexy-slutty than sexy-classy. If you're going to a fancy restaurant you can't go wrong with the traditional LBD (little black dress). And if you're going out on a more casual dinner and a movie go for a nice pair of jeans and a nice top.

What to Say

General conversation is good for a first date, but try to move beyond the surface. Have a meaningful conversation. Ask questions about their life, their likes and dislikes and actually listen to the answers. It's okay to talk about yourself, but be sure to balance talking about yourself too much. Be attentive and show that you're interested. The only thing that's off limits on a first date is any talk about the exes. It's just too soon! Share, but don't share too much information. Always leave room for a little mystery for the second date. The most important thing, though, is to just be yourself and have a good time.

First Date Dos & Don'ts

Do...

Make Eye Contact

Give Compliments

Laugh at Their Jokes

Give a Confirmation Call

Don't...

Talk on the Phone

Be Late

Talk too Closely

Be too Aggressive or direct

Are You Really Ready?

So this weekend I went on a Single's Retreat and it really gave me some perspective about life as a single woman. And I had to ask myself... Do You Really Want a Relationship?

Sometimes, when it seems like all of your friends are coupled up, engaged, or married, you find yourself wondering, 'Why can't I have that?' or 'Why can't I find someone?'. But in all actuality, you may not have someone because you may not be ready for a relationship! You have to assess your single self and make sure you are really ready before you ask for a mate or sometimes even a date!

One of the most important things to do before you even worry about being in a relationship is to enjoy your time being single! We spend so much time searching for the next relationship that we forget to appreciate being alone. Once you find the one person you know you want to spend the rest of your life with, well, you have the rest of your life to be with them! But while you are single, it's so important to enjoy being single. You need to enjoy not having to be supportive and always having to be there for someone else. Enjoy being able to pick up and go when you want to. Enjoy your time with your friends. Enjoy living your life unattached to another person.

The second thing to do is somewhat similar to the first, but you have to get to know yourself. You have to know and fully understand what it means to be 1 before you become 2. Too often women go straight from their father's house to their husbands house, from raising their younger siblings to raising their own children without taking time to be on their own. If you never have a chance to live life on your own and make your own rules you will never really know what you like or who you are even. Take this opportunity as a single person to date yourself. Treat yourself to dinner and a movie or something that really makes you happy. Dating yourself will reassure you that you don't need someone else to provide happiness or joy for you. It's nice when someone is in your life and makes you happy, but you have to learn how to be content with yourself.

The most important thing to do before you even think about pairing up with another person is to prepare for your future. We all walk around with these mental checklists of what type of man or woman we want, but do we ever stop to think about their checklist? Are you the type of person someone would want to marry? Tall, dark and handsome. Funny, smart, and kind. Passionate, open-minded and a good cook. Become the type of husband or wife someone would want. Make a list of all of the things you want in a relationship and then make sure you can check off those things for yourself. You should work on gaining some life skills in the meantime too. Learn how to balance your checkbook and manage your finances. Have your own apartment for a while and know what it means to pay rent and utilities. Be able to bring something to the table when the time comes.

Even though it's difficult being single, don't envy those in a relationship because your time will come! So the next time you see your Facebook friend's relationship status change, don't feel bad about yourself, just realize that it is not your time yet. Being in a relationship requires a lot of time and effort and you just may not be ready for everything that means yet. In the meantime, become the best you that you can be and accomplish some of your goals before you become a we.

Ignoring the Red Flags

In every relationship there are always Red Flags.
Red Flags are those little quirks about people that you ignore because you want to make it work. Red Flags are the things that make you say Huh... They are the things that you know deep inside could turn out to be a problem one day, but you only want to see the good.

If in 21% of college dating relationships, one partner is being abused, who is ignoring the Red Flags? What friends are not speaking up? Do you know someone with Red Flags they're ignoring?

According to their website, The Red Flag Campaign is a public awareness campaign designed to address dating violence and promote the prevention of dating violence on college campuses. The campaign was created using a “bystander intervention” strategy, encouraging friends and other campus community members to “say something” when they see warning signs (“red flags”) for dating violence in a friend’s relationship. The campaign posters reflect racially and ethnically diverse models, and illustrate both heterosexual and same-sex relationships.

In Lifetime's new movie Reviving Ophelia, Lizzie's parents, cousin, and friends ignored all of the Red Flags while her abusive boyfriend Mark repeatedly hit her. The controlling behavior began very early in the relationship, starting with Mark telling Lizzie what to wear. But Lizzie just said it was because he loved her so much and thought it was cute that he was so jealous.

Even after Lizzie's parents find out the truth about the abuse, she continues to blame herself and defend Mark, the boy who assaulted her. Lizzie refuses to press charges and continues to see him behind her parents' back. "Just because a girl says it's over, doesn't mean it's over" - Lizzie's therapist



It took a death threat via text message to finally get Lizzie to wake up and press charges. And that only made Mark more upset. He finally came to school with a gun and threatened to kill Lizzie and his self. Lizzie found the courage to talk Mark into putting the gun down. But that story could have had a different ending. Don't let it get that far when you see Red Flags in your relationship or in the relationship of others.

Can You Spot a Red Flag?
1. Emotional Abuse
2. Coercion
3. Excessive Jealousy
4. Isolation
5. Sexual Assault
6. Victim Blaming
7. Stalking

When you see a RED FLAG Say Something!


Hotlines
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-SAFE
The Virginia Family Violence & Sexual Assault Hotline - 1-800-838-8238
breakthecycle.org

Domestic Violence - It goes both ways.

Close your eyes and think of a domestic dispute. What does the image look like?
If you're anything like me, this image is one of a battered wife or girlfriend who has been physically, mentally, or verbally abused by her husband or boyfriend.

But that is not always the case. Sometimes women are the ones who lash out at their significant other. This is the case in this recent episode of Teen Mom.

Amber is one of four teenage mothers featured on MTV's Teen Mom. And this is what their website has to say about her. "Amber is a self-proclaimed teenage party girl who dropped out of high school and grew up fast when she got pregnant with her baby, Leah. While her fiancé, Gary, works 12-hour days to support the family, Amber stays at home alone with Leah all day, and the stress of being a full-time mom is starting to add up. Amber's parents aren't able to help, and they can't afford childcare, so she does it alone. Amber doesn't have time or energy to see her friends, and when she tries to go out, Leah cries all the time. Gary doesn't understand, and they fight constantly about taking care of the baby. Amber wants to finish high school and realize her dreams of opening her own beauty salon -- but juggling high school, adult responsibilities, and a baby proves to be a lot harder than she thought."

So basically, Amber is getting frustrated with the stresses of being a teen mother and is taking it all out on the father, Gary. Gary loves Amber unconditionally, but she is just not ready to settle down with him. Amber is fighting the internal battle that most teen mothers face - the struggle between living the young single life and staying home to take care of your child.

Whatever Amber is going through, there is no excuse for the way she has treated Gary. She yells and screams at him and pushes all of his buttons. She constantly calls him fat, even thought she just recently lost a lot of weight. And to make matters worse, she physically hits the man! I never realized how abusive women can be until I saw the way she pushed him for a reaction. Watching this episode made me realize how sometimes women can go too far. I feel like sometimes women just do it because men can't (or aren't supposed to) hit back. Just because women are typically smaller in stature does not mean they can use men as their punching bags. Men are taught never to hit a girl when they are little, but who tells little girls not to hit boys? Noone.

No matter how frustrated or upset you get there is never a reason to hit someone. Men shouldn't hit women and women shouldn't hit men. There is no double standard there. It is not ok for women to hit men.

Warning Signs of an Abuser
1. Criticism of your good qualities
2. Mood swings
3. Irresponsibility
4. Attempts to control your whereabouts
5. Highly reactive
6. Disrespect toward you publicly and privately
7. Persistent Lying


"You are not alone. You are not to blame. You do not deserve to be abused."
- Unknown

Here's What You Said on Facebook!
SIV: Is it ok for women to hit their boyfriends/husbands? Under what circumstances?
JB: NO! not under any circumstances except for self-defense!

Don't Hate the Player...

In the world of romance there are two types of people - those who can only manage one love interest at a time, and those who can juggle many romantic interests at one time until they figure out exactly what they want. Me, I'm no juggler.

And while I've tried to casually see or talk to a couple of individuals at a time, it's never really worked out well. For starters I'm just too busy to focus on more than one person at a time. Plus, I'm more of a one-man-woman at heart even though I like to flirt a lot. I have a few friends, however, who keep men in rotation! It's all harmless and perfectly fair since they're not committed to anyone. When you're single you're allowed to date around! But you've got to be smart about it.

One of my friends says she's just got multiple "cookies" in the cookie jar. My other friend says she's just "networking". And I have another friend who always has what she calls a "back-up plan". When one guy messes up she's got another one on standby! It's so interesting to hear them tell stories because half way through I'm always like, wait, who are we talking about? It's actually pretty convenient, though when you think about it. You've always got someone to text or call when you're bored. You can have a lunch date and have a good time without worrying about the obligations of a relationship. A lot comes with the titles "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" so it's nice to just be able to have multiple love interests.

When I asked a few of my friends about this topic, the consensus was that it is okay to "talk to" multiple people at one time as long as the people involved know what your intentions are. Most people said as long as there's no commitment and you're not deliberately trying to deceive people it's okay. One person called it "not putting all your eggs in our basket". But I think the key thing to remember here is you've gotta talk to them, be open. If you think you're just casually "talking to" someone but they really have feelings for you, the fact that you're talking to other people at the same time could really hurt them.

I do believe that dating is like interviewing for marriage and provides you for opportunities to know what you like, BUT you have got to be careful. Sometimes dating around can get you caught up with too many pots on the stove, beware of a potential fire! But it is something that comes with age. The more you date, the more you discover who you are and what exactly it is you are looking for in a mate. It's okay to use college as the time to try on different types of people, but just be careful not to break too many hearts along the way.

Here's What you said on Twitter!

When is it okay to date multiple people?
kristinnsmith @sexintheville When you're not exclusive and when all people involved are aware of your decision to date multiples

Going out with the Girls!

There are times in life when it pays to be in a relationship and there are times when it pays to be single! When you get invited to a wedding it would be nice to have a date. When you get invited to a date party it would be nice to have a date. When you are sitting at Applebee’s and the waitress is selling that 2 for $20 meal … it would be nice to have a date. But when you’re going out on the town with your best girlfriends (or guy friends for the fellas) that is when it really pays to be single.

When you think about it, going out is your chance to hang out with your girlfriends and just have a good time, whether you're in a relationship or not. If you want to boo-love, then you probably should just stay home. No one wants a party pooper, thinking about, talking about, (or worse) calling their significant other while everyone else is trying to have a good time.

When you're in a committed relationship you have an obligation to that other person to let them know where you are, where you're going, when you're gonnna get there, and what time you'll be back. But when you're single... you have so much freedom! You can leave when you want and get back when you want and not have to worry about remembering to text so-and-so on the way. If you're out with your friends and you all suddenly decide to go to Waffle House (or Huddle House in the 'Ville) it's okay! It's hard to have friends when you're in a relationship. By the time you finish doing your homework, attending meetings, working out, and having some couple time with your boo, there's no time for friends! You may see your friends at work or in class, but other than that, you just don't have time to kick it anymore when you're in a relationship.

Another good aspect of being single when you're going out is the fact that you can get as many numbers as you want GUILT FREE! Theoretically you could give and get numbers when you're in a relationship, but then you have to go through the extra effort of hiding it. And that's no fun. That's just extra unnecessary work. When you're single you can talk to people and actually enjoy meeting new people. And you can dance! You don't have to just hold up the wall all night, but you can dance. It's perfectly fine and you don't have to worry about being tagged in pictures later and it getting back to your significant other.

The most important thing to remember, whether you're in a relationship, single, or somewhere in between is to have fun. We're young and life is so not that serious at this point in our lives. Your twenties are for living life to the fullest and enjoying every moment. So from getting ready with the girls in the mirror to talking about how many numbers you got on the way home, just live and let live.

Top 10 Reasons Being Single Sucks
1. You're single
2. There's no one to cuddle with
3. After a while you just run out of people to text
4. You don't have anyone to split the 2 for $20 at Applebee's with
5. Your friends feel sorry for you when you're the 3rd Wheel
6. You eventually get tired of dancing to Beyonce's "Single Ladies"
7. Going to weddings alone... #epicfail
8. You miss the frequent hugs and kisses
9. When you have a terrible day you have no one to complain to (who really cares)
10. You're single

Here's What You Said on Twitter:
Is it better to go to a party solo or with a date??
Plug_McEnroe @sexintheville "Solo who takes sand to the beach!"

The Sex in "Sex in the Ville"

I recently had someone tweet me about how my twitter name (sexintheville) is misleading. And well they're right! I have struggled internally with the name of this blog/column since its inception. But after it came to me I just couldn't turn away from it. At first glance it looks like it's about the physical act of having sex. But this blog actually has less to do with that than I actually realized. My poor dad, when he saw it on my Visual CV (virtual resume) was like "What is this sexmeup.com stuff???!!" But I tried to explain to him that it was sex the noun, not the verb.

The title came from my love of the sitcom Sex and the City and my attempt to apply it to Farmville, the town I was in when I created it. I was already talking to my friends about relationships all the time anyway - giving them advice or just a listening ear and as a journalist by nature, like Carrie, I express my thoughts through my writing. So I decided to start a column to give relationship advice on problems my friends were experiencing or to just explore relationship issues that came up in my own life.

Once I had started the column/blog I began to see everything around me with the angle of how I could write about it. It grew from friends' problems to things on t.v. to classroom discussion sparking my interests. I enjoy unpacking the issues that we face daily in our quest for "Mr. Big". So as far as I know, this blog will continue to be focused on relationships and not so much sex despite its title.

And though I've done a couple of pieces on cheating and when you should "take it to the next level" I don't really discuss sex in this blog. It's more like Seventeen magazine than Cosmopolitan! And like my fellow tweeter said, that may be misleading, but I prefer to look at it as an attention-getter. It stands out and I like it!

What do you think? Should I change the name or do you like it as is??