The Absence of You

The Absence of You

I have nothing to distract me from the absence of you

My distractions are all gone and you’ve left too

I think of you night and day

You seem to haunt me that way

And there’s nothing to distract me from the absence of you

There’s nothing to distract me from the absence of you

You’ve crept into my brain and you’ve stayed there too

Your body’s been gone but the memories linger on

And there’s nothing to distract me from the absence of you

There’s nothing to distract me from the pain of you

I wish I could hurt you so you’d feel it too

One heart bleeds while the other heart leaves

And there’s nothing to distract me from the pain of you.

Just Go With It

When starting a new relationship everyone wants to put their best self out there. It's not exactly "lying" per say, but you're just revealing the best version of yourself to be sure to make a good impression. Everyone does it and it's okay because we all know about it. But that's not what's going on in the newly released Just Go With It. This movie is about outright lying!

The film was loosely based on the 1969 film Cactus Flower in which Goldie Hawn won an Oscar.

Adam Sandler's character Danny wears his wedding band and invents a fake wife to pick up younger women. Which sounds sick and unusual, but actually has a reasonable beginning. He was engaged to be married, but finds out on his wedding day that his soon-to-be-wife was cheating on him and was only marrying him because he was a doctor. This big blow to his heart and ego lead him to the bar where some woman took pity on him as he spouted out lies about his horrible cheating wife. Sandler continues this lie to pick up women for years, but one day stumbles upon a girl who he feels may be "the one". When she finds the ring he invents a fake soon-to-be ex wife to explain away the ring.

This is where Aniston's character Katherine comes in to play. Katherine is just Danny's assistant at his office, but he asks her to pretend to be his ex-wife so the new girlfriend, played by Brooklyn Decker, will be okay with dating a married man. Decker plays Palmer, who will only continue seeing Danny if she has proof that his marriage is over.

The lie is compounded when Aniston accidentally answers her cell while out with Danny and Palmer and it is revealed that Katherine has kids. And now the lie is continued with the addition of Sandler's pretend children! He pays the kids and treats them to pizza to bring them on board.

Somehow the hilarious web of lies lands the dysfunctional family in Hawaii on a family trip with Sandler's cousin as Aniston's pretend new beau. This ultimately was a very funny comedy (as comedies should be). I like Adam Sandler, but sometimes his humor goes too far, but this is not the case in Just Go With It. He and Aniston have excellent chemistry and you can look for a surprise visit from Nicole Kidman as well. And this is more than just a cameo. Kidman has a pretty good role and plays it well.

But don't be fooled. The adult actors don't take all the funny lines. The child stars shine in this movie and surprise you with their funny and witty lines. I must say, however, that there moments that did disappoint me in this rom-com. The cousin is an appropriate balance in the tangled web of lies, but has an annoying fake accent and sometimes takes things too far in the joke department. And the kids are too vulgar in my opinion, but perhaps that's normal for kids these days.


Overall, I would definitely give this movie two thumbs up and say it's worth heading over to Sunchase Cinema 8 if you're in need of a good laugh. Personal favorite line - "Look at you two. It's like Barbie and Grandpa Ken."

Money Matters Monday: Women & Personal Finance

Personal finance is a difficult topic and it's something that most people don't like to talk about. There is no class that really teaches you how to manage your money and most people don't really talk to their parents about finances. But managing money is most difficult for women. But make sure you stay on top of your finances to counter the statistics that make managing money difficult for women.

Did you know....?

• Over 90% of all women will take sole responsibility for their financial decisions at some point in their lives
• 47% of first marriages and 49% of second marriages end in divorce
• 75% of women do not know how much they need to save for retirement
• Only 28%  of women 65 and older received pension benefits, versus 45% of men, and the median amount of men's pension income was twice that of women
• More single women ages 21-34 (53%) said they were living from paycheck to paycheck than did single young men (42%)

If you start saving and investing now you can learn how to manage your own money. Too often we as women go from our parent's house to our husband's house and never learn to live on our own. You've got to take control of your destiny and your finances on your own! With the resources and tools available you can make excellent financial choices that will prepare you for a better, more comfortable life ahead. Knowing how to manage your funds could also make you more attractive to your future mate! Research shows that men actually like a "cheap date" because they can appreciate frugality in a woman. So take time to budget, set financial goals, and plan for marriage, kids, retirement, and any other major life decisions. Waiting for things to happen will only cost you more in the long run. Remember, those who fail to plan plan to fail.

Books to Consider

• Women & Money by Suze Orman
• Personal Finance: Turning Money Into Wealth by Arthur J. Keown
• Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert T. Kiyosaki

Money Matters Monday - The Secret Stash!

For this week's Money Matters Monday I want to uncover one of the biggest delimmas in a new marriage - Should a married couple have a joint account, separate accounts, or both?

**Warning I am not married and am therefore not attempting to give marital advice. If you are seeking marital advice I suggest you seek a liscensed professional. I am simply a single woman speaking from my own prosepective.

When two become one it seems like both lives should just merge perfectly together... but it doesn't quite work that way. It's actually very difficult to merge two individuals even if they're in love. When you're young and dumb you think love can conquer all and solve anything! But when you wake up and the real world smacks you in the face you realize that joining two lives is not as simple as jumping over a broom. You wind up with two couches, two blenders, two t.v.s and two bank accounts. And you'll probably end up fighting over whose is better and whether to keep both or pick one. But when it comes to finances should we merge our money? There are three different approaches you can take to marriage and money. You can either get a joint account, maintain your seperate accounts, or keep a secret stash!

Ideally speaking, once you put those rings on, there should be no more I and everything should become we. Having seperate accounts suggests that you are still individuals and not in the marriage together. If you're going to share your life together, you should be able to share a bank account and manage your funds together. Besides, when you get married you have joint expenses (like rent and stuff for the kids) so you might as well have a joint account.

Though I am always a fan of joint accounts, it makes me a little nervous to say throw it all in the pot. When you hear those stories about romances gone wrong and women being thrown out on the street without a dime to their name.... kinda makes you think twice! Even though marriage is supposed to be "happily ever after" in the back of your mind sometimes you have to think about the what ifs. What if he goes crazy and leaves me after I've invested all my time, money, and child-bearing hips? What if she changes after we get married? What if this just doesn't work out??? I hate to plan for the divorce while planning for the wedding, but if you keep your money seperate from the beginning it does make things easier if you do have to plan for the what ifs. But if you decide to both have seperate accounts at least it keeps things fair.

The third choice is not one that I recommend for a healthy marriage! But I had to mention it. ;) You could always have a joint account with your spouse and have your own secret stash somewhere that they don't know about. Money is a touchy subject though and is often at the root of most divorces so do not opt for this choice! Having your own secret stash could be handy when you want something that doesn't necessarily fit into the "household budget", but just remember that secrets always come out. What's done in the dark will come to the light. When your spouse wonders where you got the money for that new flat screen tv or those new Louboutins you'll have some explaining to do!

Financial guru Suze Orman suggests that new couples keep everything seperate until they clear up the debt they brought into the relationship. New couples often have school loans, credit card debt, and many more financial woes especially after spending thousands on a wedding. Take some time to put a dent in your individual debt and then once you become what Orman calls "more financially intimate" with each other, then maybe you can put all your gold in one pot. (Financially intimate = get to know how they manage money, their spending habits, etc.)

Whatever you decide, the important thing to do is communicate. You've got to be on one accord and talk about what works best for the two of you because every couple is different. In the end you may find that a Yours, Mine & Ours approach may work. That way you use the joint account for joint expenses like rent or lunch money for the kids and allot a certain amount to go towards your seperate accounts for personal splurges like haircuts and nail appointments. Just find a financial plan that works and try not to fight about it!

For help managing your funds (joint or seperate) check out Mint, the free way to manage all of your financial accounts!

Are You Really Ready?

So this weekend I went on a Single's Retreat and it really gave me some perspective about life as a single woman. And I had to ask myself... Do You Really Want a Relationship?

Sometimes, when it seems like all of your friends are coupled up, engaged, or married, you find yourself wondering, 'Why can't I have that?' or 'Why can't I find someone?'. But in all actuality, you may not have someone because you may not be ready for a relationship! You have to assess your single self and make sure you are really ready before you ask for a mate or sometimes even a date!

One of the most important things to do before you even worry about being in a relationship is to enjoy your time being single! We spend so much time searching for the next relationship that we forget to appreciate being alone. Once you find the one person you know you want to spend the rest of your life with, well, you have the rest of your life to be with them! But while you are single, it's so important to enjoy being single. You need to enjoy not having to be supportive and always having to be there for someone else. Enjoy being able to pick up and go when you want to. Enjoy your time with your friends. Enjoy living your life unattached to another person.

The second thing to do is somewhat similar to the first, but you have to get to know yourself. You have to know and fully understand what it means to be 1 before you become 2. Too often women go straight from their father's house to their husbands house, from raising their younger siblings to raising their own children without taking time to be on their own. If you never have a chance to live life on your own and make your own rules you will never really know what you like or who you are even. Take this opportunity as a single person to date yourself. Treat yourself to dinner and a movie or something that really makes you happy. Dating yourself will reassure you that you don't need someone else to provide happiness or joy for you. It's nice when someone is in your life and makes you happy, but you have to learn how to be content with yourself.

The most important thing to do before you even think about pairing up with another person is to prepare for your future. We all walk around with these mental checklists of what type of man or woman we want, but do we ever stop to think about their checklist? Are you the type of person someone would want to marry? Tall, dark and handsome. Funny, smart, and kind. Passionate, open-minded and a good cook. Become the type of husband or wife someone would want. Make a list of all of the things you want in a relationship and then make sure you can check off those things for yourself. You should work on gaining some life skills in the meantime too. Learn how to balance your checkbook and manage your finances. Have your own apartment for a while and know what it means to pay rent and utilities. Be able to bring something to the table when the time comes.

Even though it's difficult being single, don't envy those in a relationship because your time will come! So the next time you see your Facebook friend's relationship status change, don't feel bad about yourself, just realize that it is not your time yet. Being in a relationship requires a lot of time and effort and you just may not be ready for everything that means yet. In the meantime, become the best you that you can be and accomplish some of your goals before you become a we.

Ignoring the Red Flags

In every relationship there are always Red Flags.
Red Flags are those little quirks about people that you ignore because you want to make it work. Red Flags are the things that make you say Huh... They are the things that you know deep inside could turn out to be a problem one day, but you only want to see the good.

If in 21% of college dating relationships, one partner is being abused, who is ignoring the Red Flags? What friends are not speaking up? Do you know someone with Red Flags they're ignoring?

According to their website, The Red Flag Campaign is a public awareness campaign designed to address dating violence and promote the prevention of dating violence on college campuses. The campaign was created using a “bystander intervention” strategy, encouraging friends and other campus community members to “say something” when they see warning signs (“red flags”) for dating violence in a friend’s relationship. The campaign posters reflect racially and ethnically diverse models, and illustrate both heterosexual and same-sex relationships.

In Lifetime's new movie Reviving Ophelia, Lizzie's parents, cousin, and friends ignored all of the Red Flags while her abusive boyfriend Mark repeatedly hit her. The controlling behavior began very early in the relationship, starting with Mark telling Lizzie what to wear. But Lizzie just said it was because he loved her so much and thought it was cute that he was so jealous.

Even after Lizzie's parents find out the truth about the abuse, she continues to blame herself and defend Mark, the boy who assaulted her. Lizzie refuses to press charges and continues to see him behind her parents' back. "Just because a girl says it's over, doesn't mean it's over" - Lizzie's therapist



It took a death threat via text message to finally get Lizzie to wake up and press charges. And that only made Mark more upset. He finally came to school with a gun and threatened to kill Lizzie and his self. Lizzie found the courage to talk Mark into putting the gun down. But that story could have had a different ending. Don't let it get that far when you see Red Flags in your relationship or in the relationship of others.

Can You Spot a Red Flag?
1. Emotional Abuse
2. Coercion
3. Excessive Jealousy
4. Isolation
5. Sexual Assault
6. Victim Blaming
7. Stalking

When you see a RED FLAG Say Something!


Hotlines
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-SAFE
The Virginia Family Violence & Sexual Assault Hotline - 1-800-838-8238
breakthecycle.org

Domestic Violence - It goes both ways.

Close your eyes and think of a domestic dispute. What does the image look like?
If you're anything like me, this image is one of a battered wife or girlfriend who has been physically, mentally, or verbally abused by her husband or boyfriend.

But that is not always the case. Sometimes women are the ones who lash out at their significant other. This is the case in this recent episode of Teen Mom.

Amber is one of four teenage mothers featured on MTV's Teen Mom. And this is what their website has to say about her. "Amber is a self-proclaimed teenage party girl who dropped out of high school and grew up fast when she got pregnant with her baby, Leah. While her fiancé, Gary, works 12-hour days to support the family, Amber stays at home alone with Leah all day, and the stress of being a full-time mom is starting to add up. Amber's parents aren't able to help, and they can't afford childcare, so she does it alone. Amber doesn't have time or energy to see her friends, and when she tries to go out, Leah cries all the time. Gary doesn't understand, and they fight constantly about taking care of the baby. Amber wants to finish high school and realize her dreams of opening her own beauty salon -- but juggling high school, adult responsibilities, and a baby proves to be a lot harder than she thought."

So basically, Amber is getting frustrated with the stresses of being a teen mother and is taking it all out on the father, Gary. Gary loves Amber unconditionally, but she is just not ready to settle down with him. Amber is fighting the internal battle that most teen mothers face - the struggle between living the young single life and staying home to take care of your child.

Whatever Amber is going through, there is no excuse for the way she has treated Gary. She yells and screams at him and pushes all of his buttons. She constantly calls him fat, even thought she just recently lost a lot of weight. And to make matters worse, she physically hits the man! I never realized how abusive women can be until I saw the way she pushed him for a reaction. Watching this episode made me realize how sometimes women can go too far. I feel like sometimes women just do it because men can't (or aren't supposed to) hit back. Just because women are typically smaller in stature does not mean they can use men as their punching bags. Men are taught never to hit a girl when they are little, but who tells little girls not to hit boys? Noone.

No matter how frustrated or upset you get there is never a reason to hit someone. Men shouldn't hit women and women shouldn't hit men. There is no double standard there. It is not ok for women to hit men.

Warning Signs of an Abuser
1. Criticism of your good qualities
2. Mood swings
3. Irresponsibility
4. Attempts to control your whereabouts
5. Highly reactive
6. Disrespect toward you publicly and privately
7. Persistent Lying


"You are not alone. You are not to blame. You do not deserve to be abused."
- Unknown

Here's What You Said on Facebook!
SIV: Is it ok for women to hit their boyfriends/husbands? Under what circumstances?
JB: NO! not under any circumstances except for self-defense!

Going out with the Girls!

There are times in life when it pays to be in a relationship and there are times when it pays to be single! When you get invited to a wedding it would be nice to have a date. When you get invited to a date party it would be nice to have a date. When you are sitting at Applebee’s and the waitress is selling that 2 for $20 meal … it would be nice to have a date. But when you’re going out on the town with your best girlfriends (or guy friends for the fellas) that is when it really pays to be single.

When you think about it, going out is your chance to hang out with your girlfriends and just have a good time, whether you're in a relationship or not. If you want to boo-love, then you probably should just stay home. No one wants a party pooper, thinking about, talking about, (or worse) calling their significant other while everyone else is trying to have a good time.

When you're in a committed relationship you have an obligation to that other person to let them know where you are, where you're going, when you're gonnna get there, and what time you'll be back. But when you're single... you have so much freedom! You can leave when you want and get back when you want and not have to worry about remembering to text so-and-so on the way. If you're out with your friends and you all suddenly decide to go to Waffle House (or Huddle House in the 'Ville) it's okay! It's hard to have friends when you're in a relationship. By the time you finish doing your homework, attending meetings, working out, and having some couple time with your boo, there's no time for friends! You may see your friends at work or in class, but other than that, you just don't have time to kick it anymore when you're in a relationship.

Another good aspect of being single when you're going out is the fact that you can get as many numbers as you want GUILT FREE! Theoretically you could give and get numbers when you're in a relationship, but then you have to go through the extra effort of hiding it. And that's no fun. That's just extra unnecessary work. When you're single you can talk to people and actually enjoy meeting new people. And you can dance! You don't have to just hold up the wall all night, but you can dance. It's perfectly fine and you don't have to worry about being tagged in pictures later and it getting back to your significant other.

The most important thing to remember, whether you're in a relationship, single, or somewhere in between is to have fun. We're young and life is so not that serious at this point in our lives. Your twenties are for living life to the fullest and enjoying every moment. So from getting ready with the girls in the mirror to talking about how many numbers you got on the way home, just live and let live.

Top 10 Reasons Being Single Sucks
1. You're single
2. There's no one to cuddle with
3. After a while you just run out of people to text
4. You don't have anyone to split the 2 for $20 at Applebee's with
5. Your friends feel sorry for you when you're the 3rd Wheel
6. You eventually get tired of dancing to Beyonce's "Single Ladies"
7. Going to weddings alone... #epicfail
8. You miss the frequent hugs and kisses
9. When you have a terrible day you have no one to complain to (who really cares)
10. You're single

Here's What You Said on Twitter:
Is it better to go to a party solo or with a date??
Plug_McEnroe @sexintheville "Solo who takes sand to the beach!"

Roommate Rules

I recently moved into an apartment with two of my closest friends. I was so excited! My first apartment - the official transition from the twin bed to the full. A kitchen. A washer and dryer. A full size fridge. These were all things I had missed while living on campus (though I enjoyed my time there) and had saved to thoroughly enjoy in my senior year. What I didn't expect, however, was how living in an apartment would change my relationship with my roomies. But I quickly learned that living with roommates can truly prepare you for living with a future mate.

Like I said, these are not random roommates, these are close friends, so this is not a blog to bash them, nor am I saying they are terrible roommates. I am simply expressing the fact that in every relationship there must be communication, cooperation, and consideration. These three Cs will ease almost any living situation!

Communication is key to express your thoughts. I suck at expressing myself to those I love. I am a Communication Studies major and have little to no problem expressing myself in many aspects of my life. But for some strange reason I avoid communicating with the people closest to me at all costs. I am terrified of hurting their feelings or damaging the relationship so I usually tend to keep my feelings to myself. But it is important to speak up! (I'm learning and trying) If you feel a certain way, but don't tell your roommate, they will never know! So you may be upset that they left the dishes in the sink, but if you never tell them they'll have no idea.

Cooperation is also imperative to have a successful roommie relationship. For instance, I got so upset that the trash was just piling up, but one day I just asked myself, "What's more important - being upset that no one took the trash out or having no piles of trash in the house?" And as it turns out, taking the trash out myself made me feel much better than waiting around on someone else to do it. So sometimes you just have to work together and realize that the other person is not trying to do the little things that annoy you on purpose, they may have just had a busy day. Just be grateful that leaving the toilet seat up is not an issue (yet)!

Consideration is the last of the 3 Cs and probably the most important. Keep in mind that you are probably doing things to annoy them too. Wouldn't you want them to be considerate of your feelings and respectful of your needs. Most people in college nowadays grew up with a room to their selves and are not used to sharing space with people who do things completely different. We all grew up in different households and have been taught to do things differently. You have to learn to be considerate of each other and work things out.

Living with a roommate is the closest thing to being married as you're gonna get (without getting married). Think of it as your dress rehearsal and treat your roommates as you would want to be treated. The most important thing to remember is Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (and it's all small stuff!). That's not only the title of an excellent book, but it is also very true and very applicable. So the next time your roomie (or hubby) leaves a load in the dryer for three days, ask yourself, "In the grand scheme of things, does it matter??" NO!

PS - I love my Girlfriends

Summer Vacay Update

At the beginning of the summer I did a post on Summer Vacations and I had every intention of going on one myself, but that didn't quite happen... but I wanted to do an update on the couple's trip since the summer's almost over and the beach trips are coming to a close.

Going on a couples trip can either go really wrong or really well. It will either bring you closer or farther apart. So it is very important to make sure it is something you are both ready for - financially and emotionally. Before you go on the trip you should be able to answer Yes to these three questions: 1) Can you spend more than 24 hours with this person? 2) Can you afford this trip? 3) Do you love this person? If the answer to these three questions is yes than you are probably in for a good trip. But if the answer to just one of these questions is no, then you're probably headed for a disaster.

If the roadtrip was not a disaster you have that as a milestone in your relationship to always remember. It is a huge roadblock that you've accomplished with ease, so pat yourselves on the back. You can now pass Go and collect $200. Feel free to post a Facebook album full of pictures for everyone to stalk you on and be jealous! But once you've taken care of that don't forget to send a love note. It's important to show your appreciation for a successful, stress-free getaway with your significant other. You've probably both been working hard all summer and really needed that time away together. So don't take for granted the fact that the trip went well or even happened at all. Via Facebook, e-mail, or snail mail tell your loved one that you enjoyed the time you spent, that the trip was lovely and well-planned, and that you can't wait to do it again. (only say this if you mean it) He or she will really appreciate the acknowledgement and will probably start planning the next trip right away.

If the roadtrip was a disaster. There is no need to run for the phonebook and seek couple's therapy and you don't necessarily have to break up right away. I do know one couple in particular who almost broke off their engagement because of roadtrip rage, but they are now still engaged and happy and have just realized how to better travel together. You have to completely assess the situation and decide if the issues that came up on the trip are major or minor. If the issues you had are major then you should probably talk about whether or not you should be together. But if the issues you had are minor then you need to talk about how to fix them and have a better trip next time. The key is to talk. Don't just ignore the problems and act like everything went well. It is, however, okay to tell your friends everything went well. They're just being nosey and there's no need to bring roadtrip drama home.


Below are a few Road Trip Tips for Couples who may venture out in the future.
1. Plan your trip together
2. Don't turn a roadtrip into a chore
3. While you're on the road, lavish your partner with extra consideration and kindness
4. Assign responsibilities, and then resist the temptation to interfere with how tasks are accomplished
5. Think carefully about the driving, as this is the biggest single task on a road trip
6. Don't let the grouchies get the upper hand
7. Keep a journal, and if you take pictures, take the time to organize them into an easy-to-enjoy format (i.e. Shutterfly's Photo Books)
8. Remember that the journey's the thing

Aren't ya glad you didn't marry HIM!!!

Can you imagine what it would be like if you had married all of your exes? Or even worse, if you'd had kids with them? I think I have pretty good taste and pretty high standards, but when I look at where some of my exes are now ... boy am I grateful they're exes!

At the time, break-ups seem like the worst possible scenario ever. You still love, or at least care about the person and can't imagine them being a part of your past instead of your future. But hindsight is 20/20! When you bump into your exes at the grocery store or in the mall and you see what they look like now! Whew! Dodged a bullet!

I have three exes in particular that just make me shake my head and wonder where they went wrong. I would just like to say that they were good, upstanding young men when I was with them.

1. I recently discovered that one of my exes has transformed into a wanna-be Thug. He had his shirt tucked in when he was with me! I actually met him at a Young Writer's summer program at the community college. And I had to break up with him because he was so much of a momma's boy! She wouldn't hardly let him do anything and I just couldn't handle that. But look at him now. One of my best friends sent me his Facebook pics and it is a shame! I almost started crying looking at how much he has changed for the worse. I'm not going to say his name, but let me say that it is not at all hood or thug or "goon status". Gold chains, gold teeth, and all tatted up! Thank goodness I broke up with him when I did!

2. One of my exes is rumored to be a homosexual (Gay). He never told me that he was/is, so I always say "allegedly" or "supposedly" until it's confirmed firsthand. But I must admit that he was very emotional and open and available and I just thought he was sensitive because he was raised by his mother and grandmother, but... who knows. He did get his hair cut every week, whiten his teeth, and take longer to get ready then me, but... who knows. He was a great boyfriend though, knew me inside/out. But I broke up with him because I wanted to start dating someone else, so I guess I'll never know...

3. One of my other exes is now somebody's Baby daddy. :( I'm not trying to judge or say I wouldn't date someone with a kid, but I'm just sayin you can't afford me if you're buyin Huggies!!! I am pretty high-maintenance and I'm not afraid to say it. I have been spoiled by my parents, my sister, and my last boyfriend and I cannot go down from that. There's no turning back. I just don't see how you can afford to take me out when you've got to dish out the child support! Maybe when I get older more men my age will have babies, but for now I can date single men without children. He did try to talk to me again when I saw him at a party, and I was reminded of how sweet and cute he was, but I just kept thinking Huggies, Huggies...

Career Crossroads

Flight Attendant, Lawyer, Photographer, Journalist. Though I've had several dreams and aspirations of what to be when I "grow up", I pretty much had it settled that I would become a reporter by eighth grade. Most men, however, are still figuring it out... Why?!

Why is it that men always seem to be wandering through life aimlessly or chasing some pipe dream? Meanwhile, women are so focused on chasing their careers that they have absolutely no time to chase (or be chased by) a man.

I'm not sure if it began with Rosie the Riveter or if it started when mass amounts of women went to work in the 80s, but somewhere along the way women took over the corporate world. It seems to me that women are just much more focused on their careers than men, starting as early as high school. Women are more focused and concerned about applying to colleges, taking all the AP classes, and getting a high GPA to get into the best schools possible. Men wait until the last possible minute to apply to colleges, are less likely to take AP or Dual Enrollment courses, and tend not to put forth the extra effort in class and just do enough to get by.

Then once we get to college, the proof is in the pudding. The proportion of men to women at universities and colleges today is unbelievable. "There are more men than women ages 18-24 in the USA — 15 million vs. 14.2 million, according to a Census Bureau estimate last year. But nationally, the male/female ratio on campus today is 43/57, a reversal from the late 1960s and well beyond the nearly even splits of the mid-1970s." (USA Today) At my school the statistics are worse than the national average, at only 31% male.

This recent trend presents us with several problems in our love lives. For starters, if men are flaky and women are focused in their career worlds than they will be the same way in their relationships. Men will treat the relationship as something casual and less concrete until they have narrowed in on a career path. They cannot fully commit to you until they no what their purpose in life is and how they can adequately provide for you. It's in their nature. We are not historically, the head of the household, so we tend to be less concerned with the weight that comes with trying to provide for a family.

Another issue with this is the fact that it forces women to choose between their romance and their careers. It's difficult for women to find love when they are surrounded by men who are going nowhere fast. We need partners who will uplift us, encourage us, inspire us. But instead we end up motivating them into a career. Eventually either he leaves because he feels inferior or she leaves in search of someone on her level. It's a lose-lose situation either way.

This is a never-ending issue that we all face at one point or another, but all we can do is be patient. Keep chasing your dream and your dream guy will appear at the right time. But whatever you do, never settle for less than your best.

Communication ... or lack thereof

I finally got my world back! I have been without internet access for about 48 hours and it has literally driven me up a wall. I'm going crazy without the ability to check my e-mail, facebook, twitter, blog, etc. I do everything online from online banking to online shopping. From random Google searches to well homework (sometime after the blogging). But thanks to the beauty of Free Wi-Fi (@ Starbucks) the little icon with the two computers is now accompanied with my little world.

It's crazy how addicted we've become to all of this technology that has entered our worlds. From the laptop to the cell phone (and all of the other new toys) we have so many things to have relationships with that we can sometimes become distracted from our real relationships.

I was watching Kourtney & Khloe the other day and Kourtney was so annoyed with Kim's Blackberry addiction that she hid both her Blackberry and her laptop from her in search of some sisterly bonding. Kim eventually found both hidden in the car, but it made me think about how crazy that is that technology has such a big hold on us today. We can't live without our cell phones on our hips and some form of internet access nearby.

It has become so quick and easy to look up directions online, find answers to questions via Google, or just have 24 hour access to some type of social media. We are addicted to all of these things that are supposed to bring us closer together, but in fact only make us farther apart. It's amazing how you can be sitting right across the table from someone having a conversation and they hear nothing you said. We have got to fix this disconnect.

Though I'm not as bad as most (because I do not yet have the BB or iPhone) I too am addicted to technology and its availability. But I recommend that we take time to remember that we didn't always have all of this. What did we ever do before technology??

We read books. Real books, not virtual ones downloaded. We had conversations. Real conversations, not digital chats. We spent time. Real time, not coexisting but ignoring each other. We lived. And I suggest we take a few moments everyday and remember to live again. I suggest we let go of the things that have become so much a part of our everyday lives and go live agian.

Here's what you said on Twitter:
What's your favorite way to communicate?
asaarpopn8267 @sexintheville: face 2 face is always the best way 2 communicate...
mrfantastic06 @sexintheville: Texting.
nmd195 @sexintheville: @lureport and i went old school this summer with snail mail. it helped strengthn us while we were 200 miles apart

Is it wise to give advice???

"I am glad that I paid so little attention to good advice; had I abided by it I might have been saved from some of my most valuable mistakes."
- Edna St. Vincent Millay

As someone who writes a relationship advice column you may find it hard to believe, but I do not like giving advice. Well at least not to my friends. I end up attempting to do so anyway, but it is not exactly my favorite thing to do. Don't get me wrong, I love talking about relationships and having discussions about life and love. The issue with advice is it never really works to your advantage when you weigh in on a friend's love life.

I figured I can't be the only one with this problem, so for this post I've come up with a few guidelines for giving your friend advice on the matters of the heart. You've got to take a LAP!

Listen to them. Sometimes they just need to talk.
Accept the fact that they may not take your advice.
Provide options and alternatives for them.

When people come to you with issues or problems with their significant other it's easy to want to tell them what you think, but the truth of the matter is THEY JUST DON'T CARE! They want to vent and get something off their chest, but they do not want to hear your opinion. So to avoid giving out unwanted or unsolicited advice, the first thing you should say to your friend is "Do you want my opinion or do you just want to talk?" That way you know what to do up front and can better help your friend. If they want advice, give it! But if they just want a listening ear, you have got to do just that. Listen. Don't get emotionally involved. And don't be surprised when she stays with him after he did that horrible thing that made her so upset.

Another fact is, when people are having problems, they don't want to DO anything. True friends and family members always want to fix things. But you can't always fix things, especially if the friend doesn't want to do anything to change the situation they're in. You can offer advice and solutions and have charts and graphs and it won't matter one bit! At the end of the day, people do what they want to do and are with who they want to be with. So stop stressing yourself with their love life and just be there for your family member or friend.

"Advice is what we [friends] ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
— Erica Jong

Here's what you said on Facebook!
Should you give your friends relationship advice?
Marie Scearce: "No cause then they never take it when they ask u"

Flirting with Danger...

Today at my news internship I was covering a story and met a guy and he just kept flirting with me and the other intern. I threatened to tell his wife, but his defense was, "Hey you've gotta have fun doing something!" He was old and retired and completely harmless, but he was indeed flirting and it got me to thinking ... What exactly is the harm in flirting?

I am naturally a big flirt so this one's a biggie for me. I have had some issues with flirting affecting my relationships in the past, but in my opinion flirting is not exactly cheating. Flirting is that thing you do to boost your ego and to make you feel sexy and pretty and wanted. Flirting just makes you happy and as long as it's left on the surface, can be perfectly harmless.

But you have to be careful because if you are in a relationship and continue to batt your eyes at others you could be flirting with danger. Flirting is harmless until it becomes not so harmless. It is all really based on actual feelings of attraction, but there's a fine line between general light conversation with a random stranger and sending text messages to someone in the wee hours. You have to keep yourself in check and know your boundaries for your self and your relationship.


The other big thing to look out for is leading someone on when you're "just flirting". Sometimes sending an I-can't-wait-to-see-you-again text that you don't really mean could lead to an actual invitation. And before you know it, the person on the other end is changing their work schedule for you and trying to really make things happen that you had no plans for. And it will just all become a big mess that all started because you had to wink your eye or hug a little too long.
So in the end, I say keep flirting! It's good for you. It makes you feel good and it helps you stay fresh, if you will. Just be very, very careful. But when you do flirt, make sure you do it well. :) I'm sure you all know how to flirt, but just in case here's a link.


Here's what you said on Twitter!

Do you flirt?
DynamicDelight @sexintheville: Yuuup *@TreySongz voice*
Is it okay to flirt at work?
PRHOph3cy @sexintheville: I think so as long as it's harmless and not too forward

Childless Generation??

To continue on in the subject of the Career vs. Family issue I want to discuss a study I came across on AOL News. According to a recent study done by the Pew Research Center, 1 in 5 women of childbearing age (about 40) are opting not to have children.

Once again I will mention that I am nowhere near the "childbearing years" (well I guess biologically I am but you know what I mean). This study doesn't directly effect me (yet), but I do find it to be quite interesting.

The study found three main reasons in this change in women's titles or roles in society. The first reason was a recent trend in delayed marriage as well as delayed childbearing. And if you do the math it actually makes sense. Graduate from high school at 18, spend four years in college and graduate at 22, perhaps a couple years in grad school (to be an oberachiever and go for the Master's). By the time you finish your education you're 24 and then it's just time to start moving up in your career. And education and your career is at least something you can plan. Falling in love and getting married... not so much.

The second reason pointed to the diminished social pressure to have children. Having children used to be just the thing you did after marriage. Married with kids seemed to be some sort of predestined job description for women in years past. Now, however, birth control and the Women's Rights Movement have prompted a great deal of options and control for women. Our destiny is now in our hands. You don't necessarily have to have kids. It's now becoming an option for those who choose to do so, and when they choose to do so.

The study also found that there are now expanded job opportunities for women. Women used to go to school to get their "M-R-S degree", but now going to college is about much more than finding a man to marry. Women are more focused on gaining an education and more centered on reaching their goals.

In the end, it only matters that every woman is happy with her decision. Women are finding that those without kids "are not more depressed" and have a psychological well-being just as high as those with children. You just have to make a decision that best fits you, whether it's putting off the soccer mom thing or avoiding it altogether!

Do women have to give up love for success?

After a long day's work, I came home and made dinner, did the laundry, and still had time to put my feet up and flip between America's Next Top Model and America's Got Talent. But the beauty of this is the fact that I just had to take care of myself. I do not (thank God) have any kids or a husband or anyone else to think about when I get home. So for this week I am wondering: Can we have it all? Or do women have to give up love for success???



In today's world of oober independent, strong women the media gives off the message that the lifestyle of the 1950s wife is no longer necessary. It is now more important for most women to climb the corporate ladder than it is to find a man, marry and multiply. A recent study by the Pew Research Center even suggests that 18% of women in America have not had kids by age 40. And of course this is a complicated study with multiple factors that I will cover later ... but my point is, the growing trend in America is to focus on your future in terms of your career as oppossed to a family.

And according to Forbes.com, No, You Can't Have It All! This article says that their are three exceptions to this rule: having a "house husband", having a flexible work schedule, and having a nanny. But even these offer a "watered-down" version of parenting. And the article suggests that someone who tries to balance both may never make it to the top in her career. The author writes, "It may be in some ways the ideal compromise, but once a woman is no longer available 24-7, she is sure to lose out to her male counterparts."

So even though I am several years away from needing to know how to even try to balance a career and a family, it is something that I think about. This is the time when the climb on the corporate ladder begins. And everything from here on will determine my future. This is the time where we determine and develop our futures. Though the long term is trying to balance soccer practice and business meetings, the short term is trying to balance the full time internship and the dating world. So even though this seems far off, it's actually pretty complicated now too.

While it may seem difficult and perhaps impossible to "have it all", I will still strive to conquer both a successful career and a successful love life. Because there is hope out there for those of us who try to be Superwoman and have it all.



Here's what you said on Twitter:
skeyz91 @sexintheville "No unless they make it their decision. Many women have balanced love and success and had gr8 lives."

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...?

So... I am going to put a link to a video on here and I want you to watch it, but I also want you to come back as soon as you finish.:)

This is a video clip from the animated verision of Robin Hood about the love he had for the Maid Marian and how their love stood the test of time. Click here to watch.

So my question is: Does absence make the heart grow fonder or give room to wander???

Most of my friends are in long distance relationships and I must admit I have a bit of experience with it as well. But I also have dated and have friends who have dated in close proximity and I often wonder which is better. And I know those of you who are in long distance relationships are saying, C'mon it sucks and you know it! And yes, it does suck, and yes, I do know it. But with the same token it does have its perks. For instance, in a long distance relationship the time you do spend together is so precious and so much fun because you both know how rare it is. The distance also allows you a bit of freedom - time to develop a personality, friends, and hobbies of your own. Whereas, some relationships can become too clingy when people live close to each other and women tend to take on the likes and dislikes of the person they're with.

But after all of those good things fade from your memory and you realize that you are in a relationship, but you're still alone... well it sucks.

So like I was saying earlier, and to answer the question, yes absence does make the heart grow fonder. It keeps things fresh and allows for the romance to stay more like courting. When you are dating from a distance, you actually go on dates as oppossed to just hanging out all the time. It gives you something beautiful to look forward to as the days pass while you are apart.

But don't make it too long! You should schedule regular visits and stick to them. Find your limit, the absolute most amount of time you can be apart without going crazy! For instance, if you know you need to see him or her every two weeks then plan trips every other week and alternate who visits who. Which brings me to another point, if at all possible the travels should be equal and balanced. Noone should be putting forth more effort than the other to make this thing work.

And lastly, you have to close the gap eventually. You can't have a permanent long distance relationship. The distance should only be temporal or else the couple may begin to tire of the added stress. If you are serious about the person you are with then you should probably make long term plans to be in the same city. I do, however, know a married couple who has a long distance marriage and it seems to work for them. But that is a specific circumstance and I wouldn't necessarily recommend it for most.

Here's what you said on Twitter!
Rcollier029 @sexintheville "I think it depends on the person and the circumstances. I think, small absence makes you grow fonder but long absence wander."

wrecklessmania @sexintheville "if done right fonder but it can quickly wander."

MsCrimson_S_nce @sexintheville "I think if the person is truly committed 2 the other and 2 the relationship the heart will grow fonder, otherwise it will wander."

Follow Sex in the Ville on Twitter at "sexintheville"

Facebook Official

In this day and age, every major event in your life must be appropriately and immediately documented via Facebook. This social networking site must be the first to be notified of every significant event and decision. This is true for your love life as well.

Everyone always wants to know your relationship status at any given point. And your relationship, whether it's been five weeks or five years, is not validated unless it's "Facebook Official".


Whenever you're in relationship purgatory and there are no particular "titles" explaining and describing your relationhip to other people it can be difficult. Telling a story about your significant other you want to say "My boyfriend said such and such" but technically he's not your boyfriend. Someone asks you if you're in a relationship and you take a long pause. You want to say yes, but the true answer is no, but you're so confused about the blurred lines that you end up saying "uh, yeah kinda". And then you stare off into space wondering how the person you're speaking of would answer the question if/when someone asks them...?

The ups and downs of relationships are only compounded by the publicity of constant notications of "single", "in a relationship", and the ever-dreaded "it's complicated" status. Many are now opting to remove the relationship status alltogether to alleviate the woes of putting your business out there. Choosing not to list whether or not you are in a relationship or who you're in a relationship with can rid you of the constant questioning of your relationship status from your facebook friends, but it can also lead to another problem.

When you are in a relationship the first question you get is, "Is it Facebook Official?". And the answer to that question determines the legitimacy of your relationship in the eyes of the facebook world. But if you really care about someone, and they care about you, that's all that should matter. Labels and titles are beautiful and important to define the parameters of your relationship, but in the grand scheme of things, they only matter in terms of marriage.

So I vote for a new "courting" option of relationship status! What do you think? Is your relationship legit even if it's not Facebook Official?