The Single Girl's Guide to V-Day

Valentine's Day used to be an equal opportunity holiday. It was fair back in first grade when everyone brought valentines for everyone and you were almost certain to get your choice of chocolate candy. There was no competition. There was no bitterness. There was no us versus them. It was fair. But now that we're older and everyone has paired off (or not paired off) it's not so fair anymore. If you're in a relationship or even talking to someone you can pretty much assume that Valentine's Day will consist of more than a depressing movie and a gallon of ice cream. You don't have to worry about pretending to be okay with it because you actually will be okay. But if you are single... oh if you are single... you get attacked by bears and candy and aisles of all red and pink as soon as Christmas is over! You plot and plan how you can get a man in those few short weeks so you're not alone on V-Day.

But I've got news for you! We don't have to live like this any longer! Don't let one day take over your mind! Whether you're single, dating, or even if it's complicated, I promise you February 14th will come and go and we will all make it. Instead of building up this day in your mind to be bigger than it really is, try starting a new tradition. As corny and depressing as it sounds, be your own Valentine! Do something for yourself and appreciate it. If the day is supposed to be about love then perhaps we should all start with loving ourselves. After all, no one can or will love you if you do not truly love yourself.

Another good thing about V-Day is that you don't have to be that annoying lovey dovey couple that ditches their friends for a Hallmark holiday. Spend Valentine's with your girlfriends! Take the time to do something for someone else. Send your friend a Valentine's Day card. Go out to a good movie. Whether it's a chick flick or if you're feeling more like My Bloody Valentine you'll have a good time together. Remember that moment in Sex and the City when Miranda and Carrie were both alone on New Year's Eve? They were kind of sad and lonely, but after Carrie rushed over to Miranda's to ring in the new year with her bff it made them feel better because even though the men in their lives were gone they still had each other.

But if all else fails.... attempt to find a date! I am definitely a fan of getting a good massage for yourself or going out with the girls to celebrate V-Day, but if you can put yourself out there and spend it with someone you are romantically attracted to that's even better! Sometimes all it takes is that initiative. Letting someone know you would like to get to know them better. Too often women get stuck in the I-can't-ask-a-guy-out mentality because we're told from such a young age that that's "the man's job". But sometimes you have to go after what you want. Make the first move. Put the ball in their court.

Regardless of how you spend this day, just remember that after all the hype and build up of February 14th comes... February 15th! It's just a day.

For more on Valentine's Day... check out last year's post! http://sexintheville.blogspot.com/2010/02/valentines-shmalentines.html

Love is for Losers!

Do you ever just get to the point where you are just tired of the whole idea of love?

Well I do! I feel like we go through the ups and downs of these emotional roller coasters of love and sometimes it can really be exhausting. Your heart is a muscle afterall so I believe that all of the stress and strain that we place on it in the process of love can possibly wear it out.

 We go through so much in relationships sometimes and we don't allow ourselves time to heal and repair. Our hearts are much more fragile than we think. I know that just talking with my best friends about their guy problems hurts my heart, so surely it must be that much worse when you're going through it.

Because of all of the ups and downs that relationships (and non-relationships) put you through, it becomes difficult to make it through your day to day with a heavy heart of hurt. I sometimes find myself just angry at those who are in happy relationships because of all of my heart hurt. Sometimes you just get to a point where you're just like "Booooo love!" in the words of one of my dear friends. Lol

It seems like everywhere I turn there's some happy-go-lucky couple with their kissy-face profile pics or some overly excited girlfriend talking about how much she misses her boo when she just saw him earlier that day! And don't even get me started on romantic comedies. Now don't get me wrong, I love me some rom-coms but sometimes when I'm in one of those love-is-for-losers moods, I just want to hurl the remote at the tv screen!

 I have come to the conclusion that I am just going to have to take this time to get to know myself. I don't even have the energy to fall or be in love right now. I'm so focused on me that I cannot even concern myself with another person. So for now, this hopeless romantic will just not be in the mood for sappy "love".

Love is for Losers! Rom Coms to avoid:

• The Notebook
• When Harry Met Sally
• You've Got Mail
• Sleepless in Seattle
• Bridget Jones's Diary
• Notting Hill
• Titanic

The Infamous First Date

Butterflies in the stomach. What to do? What to wear? What to say?
If you're nervous all day long, it must be your first date.

First dates are few and far between nowadays. With things like online dating and speed dating taking over, the traditional "first date" is not something you see too much of. But when you are lucky enough to be asked out on a traditional first date, all of the technology in the world can't save you from those same feelings people have been feeling for centuries. The whole idea of a "first date" with someone is nerve-wrecking because you have this whole concept of what it means to you, but you're not quite sure if the other person is thinking the same thing.

What to Do

Be prepared to pay. Proper dining etiquette says that whoever invites the other person out should pay, but everyone may not know or follow that rule. Always bring enough money to pay for your half of the meal and anything else you might need. Drive or have transportation available. It's quite romantic and chivalrous for a man to drive you on the first date, but you should make sure that you have access to a car or some way to get home if things don't go as well as planned. If you meet at the restaurant and the guy turns out to be a jerk you can text a friend to call in an emergency and suddenly "have to leave". But if you ride with him you'll have to stick it out.

What to Wear

There is always the pressure of dressing to impress. But if you dress up you run the risk of being too overdressed if they're just chillin in jeans and a t-shirt. And the opposite is true if you dress down and end up at a fancy restaurant. What to wear really depends on where you're going, but the key to looking nice is to not dress too sexy. When you try to imitate the magazines it can end up looking more sexy-slutty than sexy-classy. If you're going to a fancy restaurant you can't go wrong with the traditional LBD (little black dress). And if you're going out on a more casual dinner and a movie go for a nice pair of jeans and a nice top.

What to Say

General conversation is good for a first date, but try to move beyond the surface. Have a meaningful conversation. Ask questions about their life, their likes and dislikes and actually listen to the answers. It's okay to talk about yourself, but be sure to balance talking about yourself too much. Be attentive and show that you're interested. The only thing that's off limits on a first date is any talk about the exes. It's just too soon! Share, but don't share too much information. Always leave room for a little mystery for the second date. The most important thing, though, is to just be yourself and have a good time.

First Date Dos & Don'ts

Do...

Make Eye Contact

Give Compliments

Laugh at Their Jokes

Give a Confirmation Call

Don't...

Talk on the Phone

Be Late

Talk too Closely

Be too Aggressive or direct

Are You Really Ready?

So this weekend I went on a Single's Retreat and it really gave me some perspective about life as a single woman. And I had to ask myself... Do You Really Want a Relationship?

Sometimes, when it seems like all of your friends are coupled up, engaged, or married, you find yourself wondering, 'Why can't I have that?' or 'Why can't I find someone?'. But in all actuality, you may not have someone because you may not be ready for a relationship! You have to assess your single self and make sure you are really ready before you ask for a mate or sometimes even a date!

One of the most important things to do before you even worry about being in a relationship is to enjoy your time being single! We spend so much time searching for the next relationship that we forget to appreciate being alone. Once you find the one person you know you want to spend the rest of your life with, well, you have the rest of your life to be with them! But while you are single, it's so important to enjoy being single. You need to enjoy not having to be supportive and always having to be there for someone else. Enjoy being able to pick up and go when you want to. Enjoy your time with your friends. Enjoy living your life unattached to another person.

The second thing to do is somewhat similar to the first, but you have to get to know yourself. You have to know and fully understand what it means to be 1 before you become 2. Too often women go straight from their father's house to their husbands house, from raising their younger siblings to raising their own children without taking time to be on their own. If you never have a chance to live life on your own and make your own rules you will never really know what you like or who you are even. Take this opportunity as a single person to date yourself. Treat yourself to dinner and a movie or something that really makes you happy. Dating yourself will reassure you that you don't need someone else to provide happiness or joy for you. It's nice when someone is in your life and makes you happy, but you have to learn how to be content with yourself.

The most important thing to do before you even think about pairing up with another person is to prepare for your future. We all walk around with these mental checklists of what type of man or woman we want, but do we ever stop to think about their checklist? Are you the type of person someone would want to marry? Tall, dark and handsome. Funny, smart, and kind. Passionate, open-minded and a good cook. Become the type of husband or wife someone would want. Make a list of all of the things you want in a relationship and then make sure you can check off those things for yourself. You should work on gaining some life skills in the meantime too. Learn how to balance your checkbook and manage your finances. Have your own apartment for a while and know what it means to pay rent and utilities. Be able to bring something to the table when the time comes.

Even though it's difficult being single, don't envy those in a relationship because your time will come! So the next time you see your Facebook friend's relationship status change, don't feel bad about yourself, just realize that it is not your time yet. Being in a relationship requires a lot of time and effort and you just may not be ready for everything that means yet. In the meantime, become the best you that you can be and accomplish some of your goals before you become a we.

Don't Hate the Player...

In the world of romance there are two types of people - those who can only manage one love interest at a time, and those who can juggle many romantic interests at one time until they figure out exactly what they want. Me, I'm no juggler.

And while I've tried to casually see or talk to a couple of individuals at a time, it's never really worked out well. For starters I'm just too busy to focus on more than one person at a time. Plus, I'm more of a one-man-woman at heart even though I like to flirt a lot. I have a few friends, however, who keep men in rotation! It's all harmless and perfectly fair since they're not committed to anyone. When you're single you're allowed to date around! But you've got to be smart about it.

One of my friends says she's just got multiple "cookies" in the cookie jar. My other friend says she's just "networking". And I have another friend who always has what she calls a "back-up plan". When one guy messes up she's got another one on standby! It's so interesting to hear them tell stories because half way through I'm always like, wait, who are we talking about? It's actually pretty convenient, though when you think about it. You've always got someone to text or call when you're bored. You can have a lunch date and have a good time without worrying about the obligations of a relationship. A lot comes with the titles "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" so it's nice to just be able to have multiple love interests.

When I asked a few of my friends about this topic, the consensus was that it is okay to "talk to" multiple people at one time as long as the people involved know what your intentions are. Most people said as long as there's no commitment and you're not deliberately trying to deceive people it's okay. One person called it "not putting all your eggs in our basket". But I think the key thing to remember here is you've gotta talk to them, be open. If you think you're just casually "talking to" someone but they really have feelings for you, the fact that you're talking to other people at the same time could really hurt them.

I do believe that dating is like interviewing for marriage and provides you for opportunities to know what you like, BUT you have got to be careful. Sometimes dating around can get you caught up with too many pots on the stove, beware of a potential fire! But it is something that comes with age. The more you date, the more you discover who you are and what exactly it is you are looking for in a mate. It's okay to use college as the time to try on different types of people, but just be careful not to break too many hearts along the way.

Here's What you said on Twitter!

When is it okay to date multiple people?
kristinnsmith @sexintheville When you're not exclusive and when all people involved are aware of your decision to date multiples

Back to School... Back to Boys!

So it's that time of year again... time to hit the books and focus. While some of you may choose to focus on your studies, others will focus on finding a new boo.

Whether you're starting kindergarten or going for your Master's, there's just something about the school year that sparks the desire to start everything in your life fresh and new. You buy new clothes, get a new hair cut, and sometimes a new bf/gf. But before you get back I have a few tips for you (and reminders for me ;) ).

1. Unless you're a freshman, don't hunt out the freshies!
I know it is very tempting to us all when you see new people (prey) on campus, but try to refrain. Sophomore year it's not so bad, junior year it's a little risky, but for those of us who will be seniors in the fall... STOP! It's not cool to be a cougar in college. When you've been there and done that, it's kind of hard to go through those growing pains with someone else. You need someone who is on your level and is going in the same direction as you.

2. Don't let dating distract you (too much) from your school work
It's important to have fun in college, but you should also keep in mind why you're there in the first place. Relationships in school can consume your spare time and replace the much-needed libarary time. I hate to sound parental, but you gotta take a step back and remember to stay focused. If you still want to have a little companionship maybe you try a study date or meet up for things like lunch or gym time that are already in your schedule.

3. Don't go for the same guys as your friends, it won't end well
When school begins it's hot and everything's beautiful, and you line up with your friends and pick out who gets who. But just make sure you don't all go for the same person. You may jokingly agree that "(S)he's fine" but when somebody gets serious things could get ugly.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...?

So... I am going to put a link to a video on here and I want you to watch it, but I also want you to come back as soon as you finish.:)

This is a video clip from the animated verision of Robin Hood about the love he had for the Maid Marian and how their love stood the test of time. Click here to watch.

So my question is: Does absence make the heart grow fonder or give room to wander???

Most of my friends are in long distance relationships and I must admit I have a bit of experience with it as well. But I also have dated and have friends who have dated in close proximity and I often wonder which is better. And I know those of you who are in long distance relationships are saying, C'mon it sucks and you know it! And yes, it does suck, and yes, I do know it. But with the same token it does have its perks. For instance, in a long distance relationship the time you do spend together is so precious and so much fun because you both know how rare it is. The distance also allows you a bit of freedom - time to develop a personality, friends, and hobbies of your own. Whereas, some relationships can become too clingy when people live close to each other and women tend to take on the likes and dislikes of the person they're with.

But after all of those good things fade from your memory and you realize that you are in a relationship, but you're still alone... well it sucks.

So like I was saying earlier, and to answer the question, yes absence does make the heart grow fonder. It keeps things fresh and allows for the romance to stay more like courting. When you are dating from a distance, you actually go on dates as oppossed to just hanging out all the time. It gives you something beautiful to look forward to as the days pass while you are apart.

But don't make it too long! You should schedule regular visits and stick to them. Find your limit, the absolute most amount of time you can be apart without going crazy! For instance, if you know you need to see him or her every two weeks then plan trips every other week and alternate who visits who. Which brings me to another point, if at all possible the travels should be equal and balanced. Noone should be putting forth more effort than the other to make this thing work.

And lastly, you have to close the gap eventually. You can't have a permanent long distance relationship. The distance should only be temporal or else the couple may begin to tire of the added stress. If you are serious about the person you are with then you should probably make long term plans to be in the same city. I do, however, know a married couple who has a long distance marriage and it seems to work for them. But that is a specific circumstance and I wouldn't necessarily recommend it for most.

Here's what you said on Twitter!
Rcollier029 @sexintheville "I think it depends on the person and the circumstances. I think, small absence makes you grow fonder but long absence wander."

wrecklessmania @sexintheville "if done right fonder but it can quickly wander."

MsCrimson_S_nce @sexintheville "I think if the person is truly committed 2 the other and 2 the relationship the heart will grow fonder, otherwise it will wander."

Follow Sex in the Ville on Twitter at "sexintheville"

Sometimes we just don't know what we want!

Last night, my roommate and I had a lovely night out on the town with dinner and a movie!
Our movie of choice - Sex and the City 2.

I am a long time fan of SATC (hence the tribute via the blog title) and have thoroughtly enjoyed the show as well as the first movie. So I was super excited to see the sequal, especially with one of my closest girlfriends. (Random sidenote, there was a couple in the theatre and that is just not a couples movie, that is definitely a girlfriend movie.)

Anywho, I just wanted to share my thoughts on the movie!

In this movie Carrie is adjusting to the married life. Only two years into their marriage, (though they've been on and off for years) Carrie and Big are still adjusting to being together full time. And though Carrie loves Big, she longs for the single gal's life she once lavished in as she strutted down the streets of New York.

Carrie goes through several adventures in the movie, including meeting up with Aiden, (yummy!) and all of these things only remind her of how much she loves Big. She tries to revert back to her single ways to avoid being an old married couple that just sits in front of the television and orders take out. But in the end, Carrie realizes that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being comfortable and settled in a stable relationship. She had been chasing after the man of her dreams for years (nearly a decade) and just didn't really know how to act once she finally got him (like many of us do).

Carrie finally settles down into a slower paced, married life (all the while looking fabulous of course!) and in the mean time she has a blast with her three best friends. The moral of the story is appreciate what you have, find really good friends, and keep them around.

So some people say it wasn't as good as the first one, while others say it was better than the first. But in my personal opinion, it was neither better than nor worse than the first. I think that it was an appropriate sequal that continued on the story of four friends and the men they love.

Famous SATC Quotes
"Big-Which is worse?" Carrie-"Samantha, the baby will eventully get tired..."
"Maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we’ve been dealt, and accessorize what we’ve got." — Carrie
"I like my money right where I can see it: hanging in my closet." — Carrie

Kissing Frogs

In light of the new Disney release, The Princess and The Frog, I have become very observant of women and men and the concept of waiting for Prince Charming. Watching the movie, I was very proud of Princess Tiana for standing firm in her independence, but at the same time I couldn't help but wonder how many of us out there are still waiting for our Prince.

The whole boy-meets-girl concept of falling in love and everything working out instantaneously is a manufactured concept that was created by Disney, Hallmark, and Zales. We all want that.

This is most definitely the age of the Independent Woman, but somehow we all still manage to 'kiss frogs' with hopes of finding that one frog that will magically turn into a Prince. Even though we're all far too old for fairy tales, we still long for the magic, hope for the dreamy happily ever after ending that seemed to work for Snow White, Cinderella, and now even Tiana.

Is there a Prince? Is there a Princess? Is there even a happy ending? Someone told me today, that there was no such thing as 'Mr. Right' unless he was mute!

Maybe she's right. Maybe there is not perfect one for you. Maybe life is more complex than a Disney movie. Maybe you just have to find someone you like and make it work. Maybe. But in the mean time... Pucker Up!