Money Matters Monday: Pump or Pay?

Is chivalry dead? And if it is, do we care??? Should a man pump and/or pay for gas? Does it matter anymore?

In this day and age, women are becoming more independent in heterosexual relationships and most couples share duties and responsibilities (or at least attempt to do so). Independent women across the world and specifically in America, are now learning to do things on their own that were once considered men's chores.

Take out the trash. Kill the bugs. Wash the cars. Pump the gas. We have asked so much of men in exchange for a few home-cooked meals and a clean house. We have asked them to do all of the dirty, grimy jobs because we were previously considered weak, dainty, and frail. But now words like strong and powerful are being associated with females as well as males. We are finding our strength in many aspects of our lives, but are there still some things that we expect a man to do?

My childhood upbringing tells me that the man in the relationship should always pump AND pay for the gas whenever present. I grew up with pretty conservative, traditional ideals, but the older I get, the more I lean towards a more liberal view on traditional male and female roles. And experiencing life as a single, black female in my twenties is teaching me to do things on my own. Learning to live life without leaning on my parents or a man has lead me to merge my traditional values with my recent feminist beliefs.

As far as pumping goes, I think that it would be nice and respectful for any man (cousin, brother, boyfriend, or dad) to pump gas for a lady, especially in the colder winter months. This tradition originally began because gas pumps were not as user-friendly as they are now. But I think it's still nice.

In terms of who should pay for the gas when dating, it depends. I would like to say that the man pays every time (because I'm a woman), but that's just unfair and unreasonable for any man. If it's my car and I am the one driving it, then I should not expect you to pay just because you happen to be riding in the car with me when I need to fill up. That's a little rude. BUT if you are borrowing my car or we are running earrands for you, you should AT LEAST offer to pay for gas. I don't know if anyone has noticed but gas is expensive nowadays!

According to AAA's Daily Fuel Gauge Report, the national average for gas prices is $3.04 for regular. The national average was $2.86 a month ago and $2.59 just a year ago. Meanwhile, I remember when it was only 99 cents. Gas prices reached $4.11 in 2008! If I'm taking you to work and to your mama's house and everywhere else you need to go, these favors don't come cheap. I also think it's only fair to offer gas money when someone has had to travel a long distance for a date or visit. But that should go for both men and women.

Comments from Fluther.com:

Your girlfriend is driving the car. Who pumps the gas?

In my case, it would be my wife driving the car and it would be me getting out to pump the gas.

A. Because it is the gentlemanly thing to do
B. The gas is going on my debit card anyway and it’s in my wallet
C. Refer to answer ‘A’

I can pump my own gas, thanks. Seriously though, bring me sour patch watermelons and a sour cherry slurpee. One of those metal straws that get super cold is a bonus. =]


If the tank is on the passenger side i will think about it (depending on my money situation) if not then i just sit there and wait, maybe go inside to get her a drink or something.

Here's what you said on Facebook!

SBC: If I am driving and a man is in the car, then he should pump the gas at the station.

Money Matters Monday: When 2 Become 1

While I am not quite ready for marriage... I do like to occassionally get my ducks in a row (or at least think about doing so) in the meantime. For the Money Matters Monday segment I want to focus on money and relationships. When it comes to love and loot, Are you Financially ready to join another person?

When you're single, you can be as frivolous with money as you want. Go out to eat all you want. Buy those fabulous pairs of shoes and the matching handbags. You can loan money to friends and you can basically live month to month, paycheck to paycheck without concern for saving for the future. But if you have any plans for co-habitating, getting married, or having a family in the future you may want to consider some financial planning.

Knowing where you stand in terms of fiscal fitness will help with your relationship because you will be well-equipped to join forces with another person if you plan for that future now. You may be dating someone now or you may be single, but either way when the time comes for you to buy a house, plan a wedding, have kids, and send those kids to college, you want to be financially able to do so. One of my favorite sayings is, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

It would be beneficial to have an emergency fund for a rainy day, a retirement fund, or at least a savings account. Years fly by and before you know it you look up and you are at the stage in your life that you remember only dreaming about. Even if you don't think you want to get married or have kids, wouldn't it be better to just save up for these things just in case they happen?

If, for instance, a couple began saving just $50 each per month six months into the relationship and dated for five and a half years before getting engaged, they would have $6000 saved for a wedding. Personally, I don't think weddings should cost that much, but the average wedding cost is estimated between $14,868 and $24,476 (excluding the cost for engagement rings and a honeymoon)!

And don't forget about kids! About half of Americans choose to have children and about half do not, but if you do decide to have children, that also impacts your finances. Raising a kid from birth to age 18 will cost an estimated $178,590! And that is not including the cost of college.

While getting married and having kids may not sound like financial decisions they are actually all dollars and cents (and love and emotion lol). So take some time to plan ahead! Depending on what stage in your life you are currently, your financial plan and goals will vary, but just make sure you put a plan in action. Don't just stop there, actually follow through!

There are 5 Main Steps in the Financial Planning Process (Kewon, 2007)

1. Evaluate Your Financial Health
2. Define Your Financial Goals
3. Develop a Plan of Action
4. Implement Your Plan
5. Review Your Progress, Reevaluate, and Revise Your Plan

The Unhappy Un-Anniversary

So what do you do when a certain day of the year comes around and you suddenly remember that it used to be significant? You're just walking around all day remembering that date... but that date that was once so special is now just another day. . .

Gotta fix that calendar I have
That's marked July 15th
Because since there's no more you
There's no more anniversary

    - Ne-yo, "So Sick" lyrics

Forgetting the date is better than remembering the date. Remembering the date makes the whole day one big depressing re-run. You end up just walking around aimlessly angry at every happy couple. The key to making it through this day is to try to remember to forget it. But if you can't seem to avoid calendars and other reminders, just live in the depression. It can be purifying to allow yourself to feel these emotions. Call your best friend and tell them what the day is or was and what it means to you and how it makes you feel. Get those thoughts outside of your head and that could be just the cure for your heartache. Sometimes when you're going through a break up you don't really mourn the relationship because you're trying to convince yourself you're okay and "happy" being single. But when the anniversary rolls around you remember that you haven't had a chance to feel your feelings. So take this day and allow yourself to be all in your feelings.

But don't wallow too long! You can't allow the sadness to affect your overall state of mind. He who angers you, controls you. It is very important to move on and not let this one date on the calendar affect your whole day. Don't spend the day wondering what they're doing, what they're thinking and if they're hurting like you are. Instead, try to distract yourself from this day. Do what you normally do or do something new and exciting! Just make sure you have a good day and most of all, RELAX.

Relationships are hard and break-ups are harder and sometimes it can take you longer than you'd expect to get over someone. Someone once said it takes half the length of the relationship to get over your ex. So if you were together for four years it could take two years to fully recover! That seems like a really long time so in the meantime, you just have to be patient with yourself. Be understanding when it gets a little difficult. Just have a strong support system of friends and family who can help you remember that everything happens for a reason.

Top Ten Things Not to do on your Un-Anniversary

1. Take long walks near bridges
2. Watch Romantic Comedies
3. Hang out with friends who are in relationships
4. Drunk dial your ex
5. Drunk text your ex
6. Flip through old pictures from the "good times"
7. Go on a shopping spree that you can't afford
8. Stuff your face with chocolate and ice cream
9. Go on a first date
10. Facebook stalk your ex and/or their new boo

Here's what you said on Facebook!

SIV:   What do you do when your ex-anniversary comes around...? How do you handle it?

JB:     text him and say happy friendaversary :)
AW:   Go out. get trashed. & never look back <3.

Love is for Losers!

Do you ever just get to the point where you are just tired of the whole idea of love?

Well I do! I feel like we go through the ups and downs of these emotional roller coasters of love and sometimes it can really be exhausting. Your heart is a muscle afterall so I believe that all of the stress and strain that we place on it in the process of love can possibly wear it out.

 We go through so much in relationships sometimes and we don't allow ourselves time to heal and repair. Our hearts are much more fragile than we think. I know that just talking with my best friends about their guy problems hurts my heart, so surely it must be that much worse when you're going through it.

Because of all of the ups and downs that relationships (and non-relationships) put you through, it becomes difficult to make it through your day to day with a heavy heart of hurt. I sometimes find myself just angry at those who are in happy relationships because of all of my heart hurt. Sometimes you just get to a point where you're just like "Booooo love!" in the words of one of my dear friends. Lol

It seems like everywhere I turn there's some happy-go-lucky couple with their kissy-face profile pics or some overly excited girlfriend talking about how much she misses her boo when she just saw him earlier that day! And don't even get me started on romantic comedies. Now don't get me wrong, I love me some rom-coms but sometimes when I'm in one of those love-is-for-losers moods, I just want to hurl the remote at the tv screen!

 I have come to the conclusion that I am just going to have to take this time to get to know myself. I don't even have the energy to fall or be in love right now. I'm so focused on me that I cannot even concern myself with another person. So for now, this hopeless romantic will just not be in the mood for sappy "love".

Love is for Losers! Rom Coms to avoid:

• The Notebook
• When Harry Met Sally
• You've Got Mail
• Sleepless in Seattle
• Bridget Jones's Diary
• Notting Hill
• Titanic

The Infamous First Date

Butterflies in the stomach. What to do? What to wear? What to say?
If you're nervous all day long, it must be your first date.

First dates are few and far between nowadays. With things like online dating and speed dating taking over, the traditional "first date" is not something you see too much of. But when you are lucky enough to be asked out on a traditional first date, all of the technology in the world can't save you from those same feelings people have been feeling for centuries. The whole idea of a "first date" with someone is nerve-wrecking because you have this whole concept of what it means to you, but you're not quite sure if the other person is thinking the same thing.

What to Do

Be prepared to pay. Proper dining etiquette says that whoever invites the other person out should pay, but everyone may not know or follow that rule. Always bring enough money to pay for your half of the meal and anything else you might need. Drive or have transportation available. It's quite romantic and chivalrous for a man to drive you on the first date, but you should make sure that you have access to a car or some way to get home if things don't go as well as planned. If you meet at the restaurant and the guy turns out to be a jerk you can text a friend to call in an emergency and suddenly "have to leave". But if you ride with him you'll have to stick it out.

What to Wear

There is always the pressure of dressing to impress. But if you dress up you run the risk of being too overdressed if they're just chillin in jeans and a t-shirt. And the opposite is true if you dress down and end up at a fancy restaurant. What to wear really depends on where you're going, but the key to looking nice is to not dress too sexy. When you try to imitate the magazines it can end up looking more sexy-slutty than sexy-classy. If you're going to a fancy restaurant you can't go wrong with the traditional LBD (little black dress). And if you're going out on a more casual dinner and a movie go for a nice pair of jeans and a nice top.

What to Say

General conversation is good for a first date, but try to move beyond the surface. Have a meaningful conversation. Ask questions about their life, their likes and dislikes and actually listen to the answers. It's okay to talk about yourself, but be sure to balance talking about yourself too much. Be attentive and show that you're interested. The only thing that's off limits on a first date is any talk about the exes. It's just too soon! Share, but don't share too much information. Always leave room for a little mystery for the second date. The most important thing, though, is to just be yourself and have a good time.

First Date Dos & Don'ts

Do...

Make Eye Contact

Give Compliments

Laugh at Their Jokes

Give a Confirmation Call

Don't...

Talk on the Phone

Be Late

Talk too Closely

Be too Aggressive or direct

Are You Really Ready?

So this weekend I went on a Single's Retreat and it really gave me some perspective about life as a single woman. And I had to ask myself... Do You Really Want a Relationship?

Sometimes, when it seems like all of your friends are coupled up, engaged, or married, you find yourself wondering, 'Why can't I have that?' or 'Why can't I find someone?'. But in all actuality, you may not have someone because you may not be ready for a relationship! You have to assess your single self and make sure you are really ready before you ask for a mate or sometimes even a date!

One of the most important things to do before you even worry about being in a relationship is to enjoy your time being single! We spend so much time searching for the next relationship that we forget to appreciate being alone. Once you find the one person you know you want to spend the rest of your life with, well, you have the rest of your life to be with them! But while you are single, it's so important to enjoy being single. You need to enjoy not having to be supportive and always having to be there for someone else. Enjoy being able to pick up and go when you want to. Enjoy your time with your friends. Enjoy living your life unattached to another person.

The second thing to do is somewhat similar to the first, but you have to get to know yourself. You have to know and fully understand what it means to be 1 before you become 2. Too often women go straight from their father's house to their husbands house, from raising their younger siblings to raising their own children without taking time to be on their own. If you never have a chance to live life on your own and make your own rules you will never really know what you like or who you are even. Take this opportunity as a single person to date yourself. Treat yourself to dinner and a movie or something that really makes you happy. Dating yourself will reassure you that you don't need someone else to provide happiness or joy for you. It's nice when someone is in your life and makes you happy, but you have to learn how to be content with yourself.

The most important thing to do before you even think about pairing up with another person is to prepare for your future. We all walk around with these mental checklists of what type of man or woman we want, but do we ever stop to think about their checklist? Are you the type of person someone would want to marry? Tall, dark and handsome. Funny, smart, and kind. Passionate, open-minded and a good cook. Become the type of husband or wife someone would want. Make a list of all of the things you want in a relationship and then make sure you can check off those things for yourself. You should work on gaining some life skills in the meantime too. Learn how to balance your checkbook and manage your finances. Have your own apartment for a while and know what it means to pay rent and utilities. Be able to bring something to the table when the time comes.

Even though it's difficult being single, don't envy those in a relationship because your time will come! So the next time you see your Facebook friend's relationship status change, don't feel bad about yourself, just realize that it is not your time yet. Being in a relationship requires a lot of time and effort and you just may not be ready for everything that means yet. In the meantime, become the best you that you can be and accomplish some of your goals before you become a we.

Ignoring the Red Flags

In every relationship there are always Red Flags.
Red Flags are those little quirks about people that you ignore because you want to make it work. Red Flags are the things that make you say Huh... They are the things that you know deep inside could turn out to be a problem one day, but you only want to see the good.

If in 21% of college dating relationships, one partner is being abused, who is ignoring the Red Flags? What friends are not speaking up? Do you know someone with Red Flags they're ignoring?

According to their website, The Red Flag Campaign is a public awareness campaign designed to address dating violence and promote the prevention of dating violence on college campuses. The campaign was created using a “bystander intervention” strategy, encouraging friends and other campus community members to “say something” when they see warning signs (“red flags”) for dating violence in a friend’s relationship. The campaign posters reflect racially and ethnically diverse models, and illustrate both heterosexual and same-sex relationships.

In Lifetime's new movie Reviving Ophelia, Lizzie's parents, cousin, and friends ignored all of the Red Flags while her abusive boyfriend Mark repeatedly hit her. The controlling behavior began very early in the relationship, starting with Mark telling Lizzie what to wear. But Lizzie just said it was because he loved her so much and thought it was cute that he was so jealous.

Even after Lizzie's parents find out the truth about the abuse, she continues to blame herself and defend Mark, the boy who assaulted her. Lizzie refuses to press charges and continues to see him behind her parents' back. "Just because a girl says it's over, doesn't mean it's over" - Lizzie's therapist



It took a death threat via text message to finally get Lizzie to wake up and press charges. And that only made Mark more upset. He finally came to school with a gun and threatened to kill Lizzie and his self. Lizzie found the courage to talk Mark into putting the gun down. But that story could have had a different ending. Don't let it get that far when you see Red Flags in your relationship or in the relationship of others.

Can You Spot a Red Flag?
1. Emotional Abuse
2. Coercion
3. Excessive Jealousy
4. Isolation
5. Sexual Assault
6. Victim Blaming
7. Stalking

When you see a RED FLAG Say Something!


Hotlines
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-SAFE
The Virginia Family Violence & Sexual Assault Hotline - 1-800-838-8238
breakthecycle.org